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Page 1 of 41922 · PDF PAGE 271
…l I ask you to do is to do it sensibly.” “Then you won’t cut us off?” put in Lou. “ Certainly not, why should I? You take as much as you want, and when you want, and how you want. ‘That’s no business of mine. My business is to remove the want. You say you cured yourselves, but you didn’t. You only cut off the drug; the want remained. And as soon as the opportunity for starting again arrived, you started again. Perhaps, in fact, you made the opportunity.” The man was really uncanny. I must confess it put me off, being hit every time like that wh…
1922 · PDF PAGE 157
…y fault. I ought to have had aan instinct about it. I feel rotten myself. London is frightfully hot; much hotter than it was in Italy. I want to go and live at Barley Grange. No, I don’t; what I want 1s to get back to where we were. There's frightfully little H. left. There's plenty of C.; only one wants so much. I wonder if this is the night stuff. The effect isn’t what it used to be. At first everything went so fast. It doesn’t any more. It makes one’s mind very full; drags out the details ; but it doesn’t make one think and talk and act with…
1922 · PDF PAGE 185
…blimity. We were conscious of every nerve to the tiniest filament ; and for this one must be ineffably aloof from movement. H. makes one want to scratch, and scratching is infinite pleasure. But that is only a relic of animal appetite. After a little while, one is able to enjoy the feeling that makes one want to scratch in itself. It is an impersonal bliss perfectly indescribable and indescrib- ably perfect. I cannot measure the majesty of my consciousness; but I can indicate the change in the whole character of my consciousness. | I am writing…
1922 · PDF PAGE 171
… need the stuff,” pleaded Peter. ‘ We've got to have it. Why did you induce us to take it ? ” “Why,” he laughed subtly, “it’s my will to want you to do your will.” ‘Yes, and I want the stuff.” “ Acute psychologist as you are, Sir Peter, you have failed to grasp my meaning. I fearI express myself badly.” Cockie was boiling inwardly, yet he was so weak and faint that he was like a lamb. I myself would have killed Lamus if I had had the means. I felt that he was deliberately torturing us for his own enjoyment. “Oh, I see,’”’ said Cockie, “‘ I forg…
1922 · PDF PAGE 274
…hich had the effect of silencing the nervous restlessness which had begun to seize us after even so short an abstinence from heroin. “‘T want you to hang on a little,’ explained our host. “The sting of abstinence will make the indulgence worth while. You have noticed, I am sure, that the vast majjority of doses fail to produce any definite active effect.’’ It was quite true. We had been cursing the drug for its failure to reproduce the original sensations. We had tried to overcome the difficulty by increasing the quantity. But a time had come w…
1922 · PDF PAGE 226
…Arve in Geneva. We walked into a shop and bought a car on the spot, and took it away then and there. There was one at the Grange, but we wanted a racer. We drove back to Greek Streetin a flood of delight. It was a bright, fresh autumn morning; everything had recovered its tone. Winter could never come. There was no night except as a background for the moon and the stars, and to furnish the scenery of our heavenly hell. September 17 The Grangeis certainly the finest housein the world. There is only one drawback. We didn’t want callers. County so…
1922 · PDF PAGE 95
…nny little laugh. “It’s just what I’ve been telling you, Lady Pen- dragon,” he said, as he walked over to the receiver. “I’m a very much wanted man. Every one seems. to want me but the police,” he giggled, ‘“ and they may get on to me any minute now, the Lord knows.” He became suddenly serious as he talked on the phone. “Oh, yes,” he said to the caller. “ Very annoying indeed. What’s that? Four o'clock? All right, ul be round.” He hung up. He came back to us radiant, holding out his hands. “My dear friends,” he said. ‘“ This is a special provid…
1922 · PDF PAGE 267
…g invited on the chair opposite to us. “T’m afraid not,” he said. “I’ll explain what I mean on a more convenient occasion. I can see you want to get rid of me; but I know you won’t refuse to help a man out when he’s in trouble like I am.” Lou was all sympathy and tenderness at once; and even in the state in which I was, I was aware of a feeble movement of hate both towards her and him. The factis that the man’s mere presence acted as a powerful stimulant. “It’s only a trifle,” he said, with a curious smile, “just a little literary difficultyin …
1922 · PDF PAGE 64
50 The Diary of a Drug Fiend some reason or no reason, I was irritated. I didn’t want to hear from people like that at all. I didn’t like or trust her. “‘ Queer fish,” I said rather snappily. It wasn’t my own voice; it was, I fancy, some deep instinct of self-preservation speaking within me. Lou, however, was radiant about it. I wish I could give you an idea of the sparkling quality of everything she said and did. Her eyes glittered, her lips twittered, her cheeks glowed like fresh blown buds in spring. She was the spirit of cocaine incarnate ;…
1922 · PDF PAGE 158
…ith a very long face. Mr. Wolfe gave him a good talking-to about money. Well, that’s perfectly right. We had been going the pace. Cockie wanted to take me out and buy me some jewellery to replace what was stolen; but I wouldn’t let him, except a new watch and a wedding ring. I’ve got a horrid feeling about that. It’s frightfully unlucky to lose your wedding ring. I feel as if the new one didn’t belong to me at all. We had a long talk about Gretel being away. We tried one or two places, but they wouldn’t give us any. I wish Cockie had taken out …
1922 · PDF PAGE 289
…ing to be proud of ? You know yourself that you are running a greater risk than you ever did when you flew over the Boche lines. I don’t want you to swank about it, of course; but you certainly don't want to act like a schoolboy puffing his first cigarette behind a hedge. For God’s sake, man, can’t you see that half the danger of this business lies in the secrecy and duplicity which go with it ? ‘“‘ Suppose we made all the fuss about eating that we do about drinking and loving, can’t you see what
1922 · PDF PAGE 364
…ze upon me. “Now, Sir Peter,” he said incisively, ‘ pull yourself together. You've only just discovered your own will, and you naturally want to be let alone to do it. And yet, at the very first opportunity, you butt in and want to interfere with your own wife doing hers. Let me tell you point-blank that it’s none of your business what she chooses to do. Haven’t you seen enough harm come from people meddling with other people’s business ? Why, hang it, man, your first duty to your wife is to protect her.” “ Another of your paradoxes,”’ I growle…
1922 · PDF PAGE 272
…ing ‘yes’ just once. I can promise you a very interesting time watching your minds and spotting all the little dodges. The great thing I want you to remember is that you have to learn to take pleasure in what.is really the most pleasurable thing. in the world—introspection. You have got to find amusement in observing the details of the dis- comfort of being without the drug. And I don’t want you to overdo it, either. When the discomfort becomes so acute that you can’t enjoy it properly, then is the time to take a small dose and notice the effec…
1922 · PDF PAGE 222
…y refrain from meddling with other affairs e” ‘I know,” I put in, “as the captain said when the first officer interrupted him, ‘‘ What I want from you, Mr. Mate, is silence, and precious damned little of that !’” Again we found ourselves laughing together. It was really very extraordinary the way in which talking to Basil or his pupils exhilarated the mind. I began to see why he was so distrusted and disliked. People always pretend to want to be lifted out of themselves, but in reality they’re terribly afraid of anything happening to them. And …
1922 · PDF PAGE 67
…e. She was not only a true friend, but a wise friend. She had evidently foreseen that we were going to run short of good old snow. Now I want all you fellows to take it as read that a man, if he calls himself a man, isn’t the kind of man that wants to stop a honeymoon with a girl in a Japanese kimono of the variety described, to have to put on a lot of beastly clothes and hunt all around Paris for a dope peddler. Of course, you'll say at once that I could have rung for the waiter and have him bring me a few cubic kilometres. But that’s simply b…
1922 · PDF PAGE 205
…ce, an old hand at the game whose experience may be of use to you in training for the fight.” I hurried home a different woman. I didn’t want to save myself. I felt myself as a suit of armour made for the purpose of protecting Peter. My integrity was important not for my own sake but for his. Peter is out, so I have written this up. How surprised he will be. ... I wonder why he is so long, and where he has gone. It is very uncomfortable, waiting, with nothing to do. I should like a dose. The tablet has not made me sleepy; it seems to have calme…
1922 · PDF PAGE 297
…ning. But as it happened, we both slept late. By the time we were dressed we were getting hungry for lunch. I was annoyed at this. I had wanted to get out of the house and change my ideas as completely as possible. The Hot Room is an excellent place for the purpose. While I’m there, I find I can’t think of anything at all but the immediate effects of the temperature. I was annoyed, too, to find Lou comparatively cheerful. I decided I would go out after all and have lunch in the Cooling Room, when the porter called up to ask if we could see a la…
1922 · PDF PAGE 162
…nyhow, the net result is that the price of cocaine has gone up from a pound an ounce to anything you like to pay. So of course everybody wants it whether they want it or not, and anybody but a member of parliament would know that if you offer a man twenty or thirty times what a thing is worth in itself, he’ll go to a lot of trouble to make you want to buy it.... : Well, we found this man was a fraud. He tried to sell us packets of snow in the dark. He tried to prevent Cockie examining the stuff by pretending to be afraid of the police. | But as…
1922 · PDF PAGE 50
…cited voice. “That will be much the best thing. Thanks awfully.” They were the first words she had spoken. “Yes, yes,” chimed in Lou. “I want to drive in the moonlight.” The little group was huddled in the open doorway. On one side the dark crimson tides of electricity; on the other, the stainless splendour of our satellite. “OQ Thou frail bluebell of moonlight, that art lost in the gardens of the stars! I adore Thee, Evoe! I adore Thee, I A O!” The scene progressed with the vivid rapidity of a dream. We were in the garage—out of it—into the st…
1922 · PDF PAGE 314
…rtal anguish of my soul. Oh, I know it’s heroics and hysterics—you can call me what you like—what you say. doesn’t count any more. But I want to live; and I have asked Basil to take me away as once he promised to do long before I met you. _He has promised to cure me, and I hold him to that. He has promised to take me away, and I hold him to that. You can get a divorce. You'd better. For I never want to look upon your face again.” The other three people in the room did not exist for me. I had to brace myself to meet Lou’s attack. There was absol…