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Page 1 of 51922 · PDF PAGE 91
…all good form. I was perfectly able to do anything required, but the idea of doing it didn’t appeal. I thought a bath and a shower would put me right; and I certainly felt a very different man by the time I had got my clothes on. , When I came back into the sitting-room, I found Lou dancing daintily round the table. She went for me like a bull at a gate; swept me away to the couch and knelt at my side as I lay, while she overwhelmed me with passionate kisses. She divined that I was not in any condition to respond. “You still need your nurse,” s…
1922 · PDF PAGE 358
…ishness, and its empiricism all combined to disgust me. I had simply gone to the hospital because my father was bent on it, and wouldn’t put up the money for anything else. I wanted to be an engineer. I was keen as mustard on bicycles and automobiles. Even as a boy I had had a sort of workshop of my own. The greatest pleasure of my childhood had been the rare visits to my mother’s father, who in his time had been a great inventor and done an immense amount of work relative to the mechanical perfection of railway travelling. When the war broke o…
1922 · PDF PAGE 318
304 The Diary of a Drug Fiend He put his arm around her waist, and brought her over to me, his right hand fastened under my arm-pit. And he lifted me bodily out of my chair as if he had reached down like Hercules into the darkest depths of hell, and dragged forth a damned soul into the light of heaven. He put her hands in mine and closed his own over them. “ Whom God hath joined together, ” he said solemnly, “let no man put asunder.” He turned on his heel and became a man of quick decisive action. “Maisie,” he said, ‘‘ you have the key. Go over…
1922 · PDF PAGE 198
…. _ The last three days have been too dreadful. This is the first time I have felt like writing, and yet I have been itching insanely to put down that hideously ‘luxurious scene when our love broke out like an abscess. All the old fantastic features were there. They had assumed a diabolical disguise ; but my mind has been in abeyance. We shut the medical books with a shudder, and slung them out of the window into the street. A little crowd gathered ; they were picked up, and the passers-by began talking about what was to be done. We realised th…
1922 · PDF PAGE 46
…“That accounts for what the world has always done —made martyrs of its pioneers.”’ I felt a little ashamed, to tell the truth; but Lamus put me at my ease. He waved his hand towards a huge arm-chair covered with Persian tapestries. He gave me a cigarette and lighted it for me. He poured out a drink of Benedictine into a huge curved glass, and put it on a little table by my side. I disliked his easy hospitality as much as anything else. I had an uncomfortable feeling that I was a puppet in his hands. There was only one other person in the room. …
1922 · PDF PAGE 225
Towards Madness arr I put myself out for King Lamus? “ Every step he treads is smeared with blood,” as Gretel once said. Yes, in some infernal way he had made me one of his victims. ‘‘ All right—you shall get enough magical diary to let you know that I’m out of your clutches— I’ll put down just those things which will tell you how I hate you—how I have outwitted you—and you shall read them when my Dead Soul has got a Dead Body to match it.” September 14 I expected Peter would be in; impatient to know if I'd wangled McCall. Instead, he turned up…
1922 · PDF PAGE 309
… city and do your business. I'll wait here for her until she turns up, and spank her hard for frightening us all like this.” Platt and I put on our hats and coats. We were just shaking hands with Gretel, telling her to order herself a good lunch from downstairs, when we heard the latch-key put into the lock. “There she is,” cried Gretel gaily. ‘‘ What babies we have been!” The door opened; but it was not Lou who came in. It was Maisie Jacobs, and her face was stern and set. She gave two quick formal bows to the others, took my hand, and said in…
1922 · PDF PAGE 239
… it. “Thank God,” he said, ‘it’s quite bitter. There must be a lot in the dress.” | I was shivering and faint. I got another packet, and put it in my mouth. He went wild and clutched me by the hair, and forced open my jaws with his finger and thumb. I struggled and kicked and scratched ; but he was too strong. He got it out and put it in his own mouth. Then he hit me in the face as I sat. I went flat and limp, and began to howl. He picked up the dress and the packets, and started to go. I caught at his ankles desperately ; but he kicked himself…
1922 · PDF PAGE 262
…from which we had not moved for weeks, sunk in a state which was neither sleep nor waking. It was by a gigantic effort that I got up and put some clothes on, and went out and got shaved. Nothing but excitement and the idea of death enabled me to do it. I found the same thing in the war; and so did lots of men. It seems as if the soul is tired of the body, and welcomes the chance to be done with it once and for all. But it wants to offer itself gallantly in a flight or a charge. It objects to dyingin a ditch passively. I am sure that .nothing le…
1922 · PDF PAGE 240
…d be disaster if I forgot where I hid it. Basil would never forgive me. I will hide it in the chimney, then I can always look up where I put it.... Whatis dreadfulis the length of time. With H. or C. or both, there is never a dull moment; without them the hours, the very minutes, drag. It’s difficult to read or write. My eyes won’t focus properly. They have been open to the spiritual world, they can’t see anything else. It’s hard, too, to control the hands. I can’t form the letters properly. This waiting is hellish. Waiting for something to hap…
1922 · PDF PAGE 271
… You can’t get on without eating. That’s no reason for stopping. All I ask you to do is to do it sensibly.” “Then you won’t cut us off?” put in Lou. “ Certainly not, why should I? You take as much as you want, and when you want, and how you want. ‘That’s no business of mine. My business is to remove the want. You say you cured yourselves, but you didn’t. You only cut off the drug; the want remained. And as soon as the opportunity for starting again arrived, you started again. Perhaps, in fact, you made the opportunity.” The man was really uncan…
1922 · PDF PAGE 303
…ing of my Act, I had invested what little fortune I possessed in the purchase of a Cocaine Factory in Switzerland, with the intention of putting an end to its nefarious activities. Now here is an instance of what I can only refer to with reverent gratitude as the Moving of the Divine Finger. On the one hand, my chemical manager informed me of the marvellous scientific discovery which I have already mentioned—I am sure you feel no ill effects from what you have taken ?”’ His voice took on a tone of grave concern, almost paternal. “Not much |” I …
1922 · PDF PAGE 223
…ill and damp and poisonous is the air! How the walls sweat the agony of the damned! “And look at Lala now!’ Maisie went on. ‘“ He had to put her through the most frightful ordeals— for she was very dead indeed—but she got to the other end of the tunnel all right. She’s a Great Soul, if ever there was one in the world, and he has raised her mortal into immortality. Her corruptibility has put on incorruption—and she radiates light and life and love, leaping through the years in utter libert ” “ But what does she do now?” I asked with a dull pain …
1922 · PDF PAGE 278
264 The Diary of a Drug Fiend It was impossible for either of us to put forth the slightest effort without the help of the drug. It seemed logically impossible that we should be able to stop drugs by our own efforts ; and we knew only too well from experience that we had got to a state where even a few moments delay in taking a dose might result in complete collapse and death. “T shall leave you children alone for an hour to get | settled in, and then we might drive down and have lunch in the country, don’t you think? But of-course ' you'll be …
1922 · PDF PAGE 286
…er fingers. The tone of his voice had been mournful, as if his plans had been seriously disconcerted. That was another trick of his that put people off. It was Lou’s sparkling eyes that told me what he meant. And then I was brought up with a tremendous shock to realise what it meant to me. I went to the chart myself with excited curiosity, quite as if I had never seen it before. It did not need a mathematician to put the situation into English. The crosses for the last thirty-six hours were crowded into a few spaces, leaving large empty gaps. I…
1922 · PDF PAGE 369
…k so long over Professor’s Chimney, that you missed the champagne dinner.” “ Yes, yes,’”’ I said impatiently, ‘‘ and what was it ? ” She put her hands behind her back and bent her head. Her eyelids closed over her long slanting eyes, and her red, snaky mouth began to work tremulously. “While you were asleep after tiffin,” she said, ‘‘ Big Lion took me up to the semicircular seat on the hill above the Strangers’ House, and put me through my paces. He made me tell him all my early life and especially the part just before I met you, when I thought…
1922 · PDF PAGE 19
…t Out 5 Universe but you and the Boche you are trying to pot. There is something detached and god-like about it. And when I found myself put out on the streets by a grateful country, I became an entirely different animal. In fact, I’ve often thought that there isn’t any “1” at all; that we are simply the means of expression of something else; that when we think we are ourselves, we are simply the victims of a delusion. Well, bother that! The plain fact is that I had become a desperate wild animal. I was too hungry, so to speak, even to waste an…
1922 · PDF PAGE 29
…d of recognising the girl as the owner of the eyes which had gripped me so strangely an hour earlier, the fact of the recognition simply put me off the recognition—I don’t know if I’m making myself clear. I mean that the plain fact refused to come to the surface. My mind seethed with questions. Where had I seen her before? And here’s another funny thing. I don’t believe that I should have ever recognised her by sight. What put me on the track was the grip of her hand, though I had never touched it in my life before. Now don’t think that I’m goi…
1922 · PDF PAGE 96
…as it came. But I’ve scraped up twenty thousand of the best to buy an eighth share in this oil proposition that I told you about.” “No,” put in Lou, “ you didn’t tell us what it was.” “T made sure I had,” he laughed back ; “ I’ve got it fairly on the brain, especially since that lunch was put off. I need another five thou’, you see, and I was going to dig it out of those birds. The only difficulty was that I can’t exactly borrow it on my face, can I ? and I don’t want to let those birds into ‘the know’— they’d simply snap the whole thing up for…
1922 · PDF PAGE 187
…those dreadful days in Naples—told us that she stole some things from a shop and went to jail. It was a great nuisance, because I had to put my clothes on and call on Mabel. Luckily, she was in and had a whole lot of it. We must have been increasing the dose very fast :, but I can’t be sure, because we don’t keep track of it or of the days either. Counting things is so despicable. One feels so degraded. Surely that’s the difference between spirit and matter. It’s bestial to be bounded. Cockie agrees with me about this. He thinks I’m writing rat…