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Page 1 of 41922 · PDF PAGE 202
…o notice of my remarks. To him they were simply one of my symptoms. I realised with frightful certitude that my plans were impossible. I couldn’t fool this man, I couldn’t play on his passions, I couldn’t stealin his presence. Despite myself, my lie had become the truth. I could only do what I said I was coming to do; to ask him to help me out. No, not even that. I had not got rid of Peter after all. . With King Lamus, I found I couldn’t think of myself. I had to think of Peter. I was absolutely sincere when I said with a break in my voice, ‘‘ …
1922 · PDF PAGE 159
…nking all the time how I wanted to love, and how I wanted dope, and how I wanted to stop dope so that. the dope might do me some good. I couldn’t really feel. It was a dull, blind sense of discomfort. I was awfully nervous, too. I felt as if I were somehow caught in a trap; as if I had got into the wrong house by mistake and couldn’t get out again. I didn’t know what might be behind all those doors ; and I was quite alone. Cockie was there; but he couldn’t do a thing to help me. I couldn’t call to him. The link between us was broken. _ And yet …
1922 · PDF PAGE 90
…evived me into life. She was extraordinarily pale, and her gestures were limp and languid. I realised that I was utterly exhausted. | “I couldn’t sleep at all,” she said, ‘after what seemed a very long time in which I tried to pull myself together. My mind went running on like mad—lI’ve had a perfectly ripping time—perfectly top-hole! I simply couldn’t get up till I remembered what that man Feccles said about a hair of the dog. So I rolled out of bed and crawled across to the H. and took one little sniff, and sat on the floor till it worked. It…
1922 · PDF PAGE 73
…caine 59 will go a bit further than that. I don’t believe the greatest artist in the world could invent what we felt, and if he could he couldn’t describe it. I’m trying to describe it myself, and I feel that I’m not making out very well. Come to think of it, the English language has its limitations. When mathemati- cians and men of science want to exchange thoughts, English isn’t much good. They've had to invent new words, new symbols. Look at Einstein’s equations. I knew a man once that knew James Hinton, who invented the fourth dimension. Pr…
1922 · PDF PAGE 233
…ust hide this book. The secrets of the spiritual life must be kept from the profane. It’s all right. Peter is my soul-mate after all. We couldn't eat much. It’s only natural ; all base appetites have to be killed out before one is ready to go on. Peter ate very little himself; and then he said :— | “IT know why we couldn’t get the Devil to come the other night. It was having those servants about. I remember now that grandfather only had two in the house, and he used to send them away when he had anything big on. Let’s see what we can do to-nigh…
1922 · PDF PAGE 161
…sh one. We're both absolutely fagged. Cockie said a meal would put us right, and he rang down for breakfast in bed. But when it came, we couldn’t either of us eat it. I remember what Haidée said about the spiritual life. We were being prepared to take our places in the new order of Humanity. It’s perfectly right that one should have to undergo a certain amount of dis- comfort. You couldn’t expect anything else. It’s nature’s way. ... We picked ourselves up with five or six goes of heroin. It’s no use taking cocaine unless you're feeling pretty …
1922 · PDF PAGE 272
…as astonishingly pleased to be able to say “‘ Some of it’s done very fully,’”’ she said, “ but you know there were days and weeks when I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. Life was a perpetual struggle to get back to——” she hesitated for a word, and then ended with a pained little laugh, “ oh, to anywhere.” King Lamus nodded gravely. We had finished our coffee. “Now,” said he, “ to business,’ to the door. I stayed behind for a moment to pay the bill. There , and led the way
1922 · PDF PAGE 237
…ned. I had no appetite at lunch, and Peter wouldn’t eat. He burst out in a hysterical appeal to me, reminded me of our love, and said he couldn’t believe it was all a sham. Why had I gone into the plot to drive him to death? He doesn’t eat, because he thinks the food is poisoned ; and when he saw that I wasn’t eating, it convinced him that I was in the plot against him. I tried to tell him this was all nonsense. I told him that I was not in any plot against him. It didn’t set his mind at ease. I had to tell him my great secret that I am the wom…
1922 · PDF PAGE 81
A Heroin Heroine 67 whatever to me. I felt a sudden urgent desire to drink a great deal of water. I-couldn’t trouble to pour myself out a glass. I couldn’t trouble to call the waiter, but I think I must have said the word “ water,”’ for Haidée filled my goblet. A smile wriggled across her face. It was the first sign of life she had given. Even the shaking hands had been in the nature of a mechanical reflex rather than of a voluntary action. There was something sinister and disquieting in her gesture. It was as if she had the after-taste in her …
1922 · PDF PAGE 106
…ed out a snake of pigeon’s blood rubies. My God! it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, except Lou herself. And you couldn’t look at it without thinking of her mouth, and you couldn’t think of her mouth without wanting to kiss it, and it was up to me to prove to Paris that I had
1922 · PDF PAGE 102
88 The Diary of a Drug Fiend at the same time he. couldn’t risk pulling off the coup of his life in case there was a hitch, so he would get @ move on and see if he couldn’t raise five thousand on his own somewhere else, in which case he’d let me have some of his own stock anyway. He wanted me ‘in the deal if it was only for a sovereign, simply because of my luck. _ So off he ran in a great hurry. Lou and I got a car and spent the afternoon in the Bois du Boulogne. It seemed as if the cocaine had taken hold of us with new force, or else it was t…
1922 · PDF PAGE 298
…he needed no excuse for that. “‘ We heard you were in London,” she began volubly, in a tone which somehow rang false, ‘‘ and of course I couldn’t rest till I had come and welcomed you and Lou in person. We heard you were in a little place in Greek Street from one of the crowd; but you had gone the very morning I called, and they told us you were ill and couldn’t see any one for a week. But Billy Bray and Lady Rhoda came in last night and said they’d seen you at a dance. So I wouldn’t waste a minute in coming to see you.” She rattled off all thi…
1922 · PDF PAGE 115
… heard of him or of it again. ' I began to recover my spirits. “Look here,” said Lou, “ let’s forget it. Write Feccles a note to say you couldn’t raise the money by the date it was wanted, and let’s get out. We ought to economise, in any case, Let's get off to Italy as we said. The exchange is awfully good, and _living’s delightfully cheap. It’s silly ‘spending money when you've got Love and Cocaine.” My spirit leapt to meet hers. I scribbled a note of apology to Feccles, and left it at the hotel. We dashed round to the Italian consulate to hav…
1922 · PDF PAGE 142
… into a curious little com- promise between a smile and a query. The clerk bowed him at once into an inner room. We waited and waited. I couldn’t understand at all what they could have been talking about in there for so long. _ But at last the soldier at the door beckoned us in. The vice-consul was sitting on a sofa in the background. With his head on one side, he shot a keen fixed glance out of his languid eyes, and bit his thumbnail persis- tently, as if in a state of extreme nervous perplexity. I was swept by a feeling of complete humiliatio…
1922 · PDF PAGE 276
…so as to answer my unspoken resentment. She made a pleasant little excuse for not offering me the steering-wheel. I knew too well that I couldn't have driven that car a hundred yards through traffic. I had abdicated my manhood. I must resign myself to be driven where any one was willing to take me. I might count myself lucky if I had fallen into reasonably good hands. At Greek Street we met with a surprise. It appeared 262
1922 · PDF PAGE 206
…rage. He came straight up to me, and hit me de- liberately in the face. “ That'll teach you,’ he shouted, and called me a foul name. : I couldn’t answer. I was too hurt, not by the blow, but by the surprise. I had pictured it so differently. He staggered back into the middle of the room and pointed to the blood that was running down my face. The edge of his ring had cut the corner of my eye. The sight sent him into fits of hysterical laughter. The only feeling in my mind was that he was ill; that it was my duty to nurse him. I tried to go to th…
1922 · PDF PAGE 261
…nd tells me that it will strengthen it if I exercise it by putting down what has occurred in sequence. And you know, even a month ago, I couldn’t have recalled anything at all with regard to certain periods. My friend tells me that memory fails me in part because nature mercifully wishes to hide from us things which are painful. The spider-web of protective forget- fulness is woven over the mouth of the cave which conceals the raw head and bloody bones of our mis- fortunes. “ But the greatest men,” says King Lamus, “ are those that refuse to be…
1922 · PDF PAGE 176
…ck. I felt sticky and clammy all over. I hadn't dressed myself. I had thrown my clothes on carelessly. Cockie woke about dinner-time. We couldn’t go down as we were. We were suddenly stung by the realisation that we were making ourselves conspicuous in the hotel. We had a horrible fear of being found out. They might do something. It was all the worse 162
1922 · PDF PAGE 129
…e sun. I was betting on that big white elephant on the horizon. There were two black cobras and a purple hippopotamus against him; but I couldn’t help that. With those magnificent tusks he ought to be able to settle their business, and only to look at his legs you could see the old sun hadn’t got a dog’s chance. I can’t see why people haven’t the sense to keep still when a fight of this kind is in progress. What’s the referee for, anyway? It was extremely annoying of Lou to protest in that passionate shrill voice of hers that she was going to t…
1922 · PDF PAGE 164
…ur - mouths. “You needn't tell me what you need,” he said. “ The lack is only too obvious.” He said it in a non-committal way so that we couldn’t take offence; but we knew instinctively he meant brains. However, Peter stuck to his guns, like the game little devil he is. That’s why I love him. “Oh, yes, heroin,’’ said Lamus; “cocaine. We regret exceedingly to be out of it for the moment.” _ The brute seemed unconscious of our distress. He gave an imitation of an apologetic shop-walker. “ But let me show you our latest lines on morphine.” Cockie …