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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 123
6.27. 7.10. 735- 8.3. 9.10. JOHN ST. JOHN All this time in Hanged Man position, and thinking of everything else. As bad as it was on the very first day! More waste time aimlessly watching a poker game. Walked down to Cafe’ de Versailles. Dinner. Hors d‘CEuvre, Escargots, Cassoulet de Castelnaudary,Glace, 3% Evian. Am quite washed—out. I have not even the courage of despair. There is not enough left in me to despair. I don’t care. One gleam of light illumines the dark path—I can’t enjoy my dinner. The snails, as I prong them forth, are such ugly,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
….30. 120 THE EQUINOX Mastery of the Reason), though it is commonly called 7°=4". It appeared to him at that period that so much talk and time were wasted on discussing the nature of the Attainment—a discussion foredoomed to failure, in the absence of all Knowledge, and in view of the Self- Contradictory Nature of the Reasoning Faculty, as applied to Metaphysics—that it would be wiser to drop the whole question, and concentrate on a simple Magical Progress. The Next Step for humanity in general was then “ the Knowledge and Conversation of the Ho…
1909 · PDF PAGE 16
…an in the Tarot Gards.—BD.] to formulate sacrifice and pain self—inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a few minutes at a time in a position long since“ conquered." For this reason too I cut again the Cross of Blood ; and now a third time will I do it. And I will take out the Magical Knife and sharpen it yet more, so that this body may fear me ; for that I am Horus the terrible, the Avenger, the Lord of the Gate of the West. 4.15— Read Ritual DCLXXI. [The nature of this Ritual is 4.30. explained later.—ED.] 5.10. I have returned …
1909 · PDF PAGE 65
… I can deduce North by mere judgment of angle, at which I am very accurate. Further, I keep a mental record, quite unconsciously, of the time occupied on a march ; so that I can always tell the time within five minutes or so without consulting my watch. Further, I have another automatic recorder which maps out distance plus direction. Suppose I were to start from Scott’s and walk (or drive; it’s all the same to me) to Haggerston Town Hall (wherever Haggerston may be; but say it’s Ν.Ε.)͵ thence to Maida Vale. From Maida Vale I could take a true l…
1909 · PDF PAGE 85
… on my magical power, which is an active thing, and therefore my passivity is not perfect. Of course, when IT happens, it happens out of time and space—now or ten years hence it is all the same. All the same to IT; not all the same to me, O.M. So 0.M. (the dog I) persists irrationally in wanting IT, here and now. Surely, indeed, it is a lack of faith, a pandering to the time-illusion . . . and so forth. Yes, no doubt it is all magically wrong, even magically absurd; yet, though I see the snare,I deliberately walk into it. I suppose I shall be p…
1909 · PDF PAGE 127
… to keep the eyes open. . Pranayama all wrong—very difficult. Rose, washed, drank a few drops of water. (N.B.—To—night have drunk several times, a mouthful at a time; other nights, and days, no. All entries into body recorded duly.) Have done 10 Breath»Cycles ; am quite awake. It will therefore now be lawful again to sleep. Awoke at 7.40, read a letter which arrived, and tried quite vainly to concentrate. Have risen, written a letter. Will break my fast— cafe croissant—and go a walk with the New Mantra, using my recently invented method of doing…
1909 · PDF PAGE 131
…ved at Brenner’s studio, and went on with the “ moulage ” of my Asana. Left the Studio; walk with mantra. Mantra-march. Pranayama; quick time. Very brac- ing and fatiguing, both. At Döme to drink a Citron pressé. Reflections have been in my mind upon the grossness of the Theistic conception, as shewn even in such pictures as Raphael’s and Fra Angelico’s. 2 B 129
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
…rises, Cafe Noir, despatched without Yoga or ceremonial, I wrote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don’t think very well. Time must show: also experience. I’d recite Tenny- son if I thought it would give Samadhil Now more mantra, though by the Lord I’m getting sick of it. It occurs to me, now that I am seeing my way in the Operation a little more clearly, that one might consider the First Day as Osiris Slain 44, the Second as that of the Mourning of Isis U, the third as that of the Triumph of Apophis V, and to-day that of Osiris …
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
… course it must be lived as well as per- formed. (1 must here complain of serious trouble with fountain pens, and the waste of priceless time fixing them up. They have been wrong throughout the whole operation, a thing that has not happened to me for near eight years. I hope I’ve got a good one at last—yes, thank God ! this one writes decently.) 43
1909 · PDF PAGE 130
…the holy illuminated Men of God of my acquaintance, I am the only one that holds this opinion. But I think that this Record, when I have time to go through it, and stand at some distance, to get the per— spective, will be proved a conclusive proof of my thesis. I think that every failure will be certainly traceable to my own dam foolishness; every little success to courage, skill, wit, tenacity. IfI had but a little more of these! I further take this opportunityof asserting my Atheism. I believe that all these phenomena are as explicable as the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 100
…probably later; for, invoking Adonai, he again got the beginnings of the Light, and the “telephone-cross" voices very strongly. But this time he was fortunately able to concentrate on Adonai with some fervour, and these things ceased to trouble. But the Perfume and the Vision came not, nor any full manifestation of the L.V.X., the Secret Light, the light that shineth in darkness. John St. John is again very sleepy. He will try and concentrate on Adonai without doing Pranayama——— much harder of course. It is a supreme effort to keep both eyes op…
1909 · PDF PAGE 108
…t, but that of the over-driven slave "Adonai, ply Thou thy scourge! Adonai, load Thou the chain l” What the devil is the matter with the time ? The hours flit just like butterflies—the moon, dead full, shines down the Boulevard. My moon—full moon of my desire! (Ha, ha, thou beast! are “ I and Me and Mine" not dead yet?) Yea, Lord Adonail but the full moon means much to John St. John ; he fears (ῥινῷ, O Lord of theWestern Pylon!) lest, if once that full moon pass, he may not win through. . . . “The harvest is over, the summer is ended, and we are …
1909 · PDF PAGE 140
…ith my game of Billiards, for politeness’ sake. And even there in the Café du Dome was the glory within me, and I therein; 50 that every time that I failed at a stroke and stood up and drank in that
1909 · PDF PAGE 60
… I’m too tired to as much as start Prana Yama. Iwill go to the Dome and see what a citron pressé and a sandwich does for me, at the same time taking over the MS. of Liber DCCCCLXHL which has been given me to correct, and doing it. Please the pigs, the Visconti will cheer me up in the evening; and I shall get a good day in to—morrow. Still at Liber DCCCCLXIII. [Το be published shortly by “ The Equinox."——ED.] I should like to write mantrams for each chapter. Still at Liber DCCCCLXIII. I need hardly say that I am perfectly aware that in one sense…
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…wake for the End of the day. God! what a day! . . . I dare not trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I did 21 Breath-cycles without fatigue. Energy returns, and Keenness to pursue the Path—all fruits of that one little victory …
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…s from striking one. In my aspiration to know Adonai, I resemble their Yogis who concentrate on their “ personal Lord "; but at the same time it must be remembered that I am not going to be content with what would content them. In other words, I am going to de ne " the Knowledge and Conversation of my holy Guardian Angel " as equal to Neroda-Samapatti, the trance of Nibbana. I hope I shall be able to live up to this! Have been practising Asana, etc. I forgot one thing in the last entry: I had been reproaching Adonai that for six days I had evok…
1909 · PDF PAGE 26
…good at all. Think I’ll get up and have 8.32. 9.0. 9.25. 10. 38. 10.40. a Turker. Am up, havingread my letters. Continuingmantra all the time in a more or less conscious way. Wrote my letters and started out. Have reached the Café de la Paix, walking slowly with my mantra. I am'beginningto forget it occasion- ally, mispronouncing some of the words. A good sign! Now and then I tried sending it up and down my spine, with good effect. I will drink a cup of coffee and then proceed to the Hammam. This may ease my limbs, and afford an opportunity for…
1909 · PDF PAGE 113
…e of the Ceremony Itself. And this mystical perfume of Adonai is like pure Musk, but infinitely subtilised— far stronger, and at the same time far more delicate. (P.S.—-Doubt has arisen about this perfume, as to whether there was not a commonplace cause. On the balance of the evidence, carefully considered, one would pronounce for the mystic theory.) One should add a curious omen. On sitting down for the great struggle (11.14) John St. John found a nail upon the floor, at his feet. Now a nail is Vau in Hebrew, and the Tarot Trump corresponding to…
1909 · PDF PAGE 95
…n, now you knowl You are plain John St. John, and you have to climb right up again through the paths to the Threshold; and remember this time to mortify that self-satisfaction! G0 at it more reverently and humbly—oh, you dog, how I loathe you for your Vileness! To have risen so high, and—now—to be thus fallen ! The question arises: how to mortify this self-satisfac- tion? Asceticism notoriously fosters egoism ; how good am I to go without dinner] How noble I What renuncia- tionl On the other hand, the good wine in one says: “A fine fellow I have…
1909 · PDF PAGE 134
… Yet ofwhat men count deeds I have done no small share. I have travelled abit, written abit . , . I seem to have been hard at it all the time—and to have got nothing finished or successful. One Tragedy—one little comedy—two essays—a dozen poems or so—two or three short stories—odds and ends of one sort and another: it’s a miserable record, though the Tragedy is good enough to last a life. It marks an epoch in literature, though nobody else will guess it for fifty years yet. The travel, too, has been rubbish. It’s been a petty, peddling year. The …