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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 130
…mediate consequence of Work. Of all the holy illuminated Men of God of my acquaintance, I am the only one that holds this opinion. But I think that this Record, when I have time to go through it, and stand at some distance, to get the per— spective, will be proved a conclusive proof of my thesis. I think that every failure will be certainly traceable to my own dam foolishness; every little success to courage, skill, wit, tenacity. IfI had but a little more of these! I further take this opportunityof asserting my Atheism. I believe that all thes…
1909 · PDF PAGE 37
… with Dr. R d was that of writing rubbish for magazines. He thought that one could do it in the intervals of serious work ; but I do not think that one should take the risk. I have spent these many years training my mind to think cleanly and express beautifully. Am I to prosti- tute myself for a handful of bread? I swear by Thyself, 0 Thou who art myself, that I will not write save to glorify Thee, that I will write only in beauty and melody, that I will give unto the world as Thou givest unto me, whether it be a consuming fire, or a cup of the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 79
…ating on Adonai, I found my body seized with a little quivering, very curious and pleasant, like trembling leaves in a continuous air. I think I have heard this state of Interior Trembling described in some mystic books. I think the Shakers and Quakers had violent shudderings. Abdullah Haji of Shiraz writes :— ]ust as the body shudders when the Soul Gives up to Allah in its quick career Itself. . . . It is the tiniest, most intimate trembling, not unlike that of Kambhakham or “Vindu-siddhi " [see the Shiva Sanhita.——ED.] properly performed; but…
1909 · PDF PAGE 18
…luctance, as an act of self-denial or asceticisrn, lest my desire to concentrate on the mystic path should run away with me. Therefore I think it may fairly be counted unto me for righteousness. I now drink a final coffee and retire, to do I hope a more straightforward type of meditation. So mote it be. Naked, Maryt looks like Corregio’s Antiope. Her eyes are a strange grey, and her hair a very wonderful reddish gold—a colour I have never seen before and cannot properly describe. She has Jewish blood in her, I fancy ; this, and her method of ill…
1909 · PDF PAGE 94
…aps a Pentagram formula with which I am not clearly acquainted. If I knew the Word of the Grade, I could foretell things: but I don’t. I think I will read through the whole Record to date and see 11 I can find an Ariadne-clue. Back, and settled to Ritual—painting. Finished: bar frontispiece and colophon, which I can design and execute to—morrow. Took half an hour off, making a silly sketch of a sunset. Will now read through the Record, and Reflect upon it. “ Before I was blind ; now I see Ι " Yesterday I was right up to the Threshold, right enoug…
1909 · PDF PAGE 48
…read and understand quite easily with the mantragoing; 8.22. 8.40. 9.0. 46 one can remember things. For example, I see my watch chain; I think. “Gold. Au, 196 atomic weight. AuClg, £s 105. od. an ounce ” and so on aw! infinitum; but the act of writing down these things stops the mantra. This may be (partly) because I always say under my breath each word as I write it. [P.S.-But I do so, though less possibly, as I read] As I am really awake, I may as well do a little Prana- yama. How little I know of magic and the conditions of success! My 17 cy…
1909 · PDF PAGE 50
THE EQUINOX 10.42. The fact of the matter is, I am quite unconcentrated. 48 Evidently the Osiris Risen stage is over; and I think it is a case for violent measures. If one were to slack off now and hope for the morning, like a shipwrecked Paul, one would probably wake up a mere man of the world. The Question then arises: What shall I do to be saved ? The only answer-and one which is quite unconnected with the question—is that a Ritual of Adeptus Major should display the Birth of Horus and Slaying of Typhon. Here again Horus and Harpocrates—the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 68
…bacchanalian. It will be purely mystici But as it has not happened yet—- and just at present it seems incredible that it should happen—I think we may change the subject. . . . . What a fool I am, by the way! Isay that " He is God, and that there is no other God than He” 1800 times an hour; but I don‘t think it even once a day. All my energy has suddenly come back. Was it that Hatha—Yoga sandwich? I go on copying the Ritual. Copying finished. I will go and dine, and learn it by heart, humbly and thoughtfully. The illumination of it can be finished…
1909 · PDF PAGE 5
…the way things happen. Paris is as wonderful as Lhassa, and there are just as many miracles in London as in Luang Prabang. [did not even think it necessary to go into the Bois de Boulogne and meet those Three Adepts who cause bleeding at the nose, familiar to us from the writings of Macgregor Mathers. 3
1909 · PDF PAGE 123
6.27. 7.10. 735- 8.3. 9.10. JOHN ST. JOHN All this time in Hanged Man position, and thinking of everything else. As bad as it was on the very first day! More waste time aimlessly watching a poker game. Walked down to Cafe’ de Versailles. Dinner. Hors d‘CEuvre, Escargots, Cassoulet de Castelnaudary,Glace, 3% Evian. Am quite washed—out. I have not even the courage of despair. There is not enough left in me to despair. I don’t care. One gleam of light illumines the dark path—I can’t enjoy my dinner. The snails, as I prong them forth, are such ugly,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…l. Arrived (partly by cab) at the Place. Certain curious phenomena which I have noticed at odd times—e.g., on Thursday night—but did not think proper to record must be investigated. It seems quite certain that meditation-practices profoundly affect the sexual pro— cess : how and why I do not yet certainly know. 2.45. Rubbish! everything perfectly normal. 26 Difficult, though, to keep mantram going. Am sitting on the brink of the big fountain in the Luxembourg. This deadness of the whole system continues. To explain. Normally, if the thought be e…
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
…ise, Tarte aux Cerises, Cafe Noir, despatched without Yoga or ceremonial, I wrote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don’t think very well. Time must show: also experience. I’d recite Tenny- son if I thought it would give Samadhil Now more mantra, though by the Lord I’m getting sick of it. It occurs to me, now that I am seeing my way in the Operation a little more clearly, that one might consider the First Day as Osiris Slain 44, the Second as that of the Mourning of Isis U, the third as that of the Triumph of Apophis V, and to-da…
1909 · PDF PAGE 49
…imination and a good sound foundation of knowledge, if one means to get any sense at all out of these Hindu books. A little Pranayama, I think. Can’t get steady and easy at all! Will try Hanged Man again. Not much good. The mantra goes on, but without getting hold of the Cakkrarn. ’Tis difficult to explain ; the best simile I can get is that of a motor running with the clutch out; or of a man cycling on a susPended machine. There's no grip to it. 47
1909 · PDF PAGE 81
…ually happy: but content. I spent the morning posing for Michael Brenner, a sculptor who will one day be heard of. Very young yet, but I think the best man of his generation—of those whose work I have seen. By the way, I am suffering from a swollen finger, since yesterday morning or possibly earlier‘ I have given it little attention, but it is painful. I want to explain why I have so carefully recorded the somewhat banal details of all I have eaten and drunk. I. All food is a species of intoxicant; hence a fruitful source of error. Should I obta…
1909 · PDF PAGE 38
…nitiation. Those who understand a little about the Path of the Wise may receive some hint of the method of operation of the L.V.X. And I think that a description will help me to collect myself for the proper adaptation of this Ritual to the purpose of Self-initiation. Oh, how soft is the air, and how serene the sky, to one who has passed through the black rule of Apophis! How infinitely musical are the voices of Nature, those that are heard and those that are not heard! What Understanding of the Universe, what Love is the prize of him that hath …
1909 · PDF PAGE 21
11.13. 11.20. JOHN ST. JOHN Am I mixing my drinks unduly? I think not; if one didn’t change to another mystic process, one would have to read the newspaper. This completes my half—hour of Asana. Legs very painful; yet again I find myself wishing for Kandy (not sugar candy, but the place where I did my first Hindu practices and got my first Results) and a life devoted entirely to meditation. But not for mel I’m no Pratyeka—Buddha; a Dhamma—Buddha every inch of me! [A Pratyeka-Buddha attains the Supreme Reward for himself alone; a Dhamma—Buddha ren…
1909 · PDF PAGE 26
THE EQUINOX 8.10- Mame jau—no good at all. Think I’ll get up and have 8.32. 9.0. 9.25. 10. 38. 10.40. a Turker. Am up, havingread my letters. Continuingmantra all the time in a more or less conscious way. Wrote my letters and started out. Have reached the Café de la Paix, walking slowly with my mantra. I am'beginningto forget it occasion- ally, mispronouncing some of the words. A good sign! Now and then I tried sending it up and down my spine, with good effect. I will drink a cup of coffee and then proceed to the Hammam. This may ease my limbs,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 55
…ich we call Shivadarshana, or Nirvikalpa—samadhi, [We must again refer the reader to the Hindu classics. —ED.] The only diagnostic I can think of is this; that there is (I can't be sure about it) no rational connection between the thought one left behind one and the new thought. In a simple wandering during the practice of concentration one can very nearly always (especially with a little experience) trace the chain. With neigh- bourhood-concentration this is not 50. Perhaps there is a chain, but so great already is the power of prevent- ing th…
1909 · PDF PAGE 24
… Could the scene have been recorded in a brain-cell adjoining that which records the Visuddhi- idea? Or did I at that time unconsciously think of my throat for some other reason? Bother! These things are all dog-faced demons ! Το work ! Work: Meditation and Mantra. No good. Went off into a reverie about a castle and men-at—arms. This had all the qualities of a true dream, yet I was not in any other sense asleep. I soon will be, though. It seems foolish to persist.
1909 · PDF PAGE 64
…ourse this thought acts through the will and the apparatus of nerves and muscles. But might not a sudden fear cause the heart to stop? I think cases are on record. But all this is unknown ground, or, as Frank Harris would say, Unpath'd Waters. We are getting dangerously near “mental arsenic ” and " all—god— good—bones—truth—lights—liver—mind—blessing —heart——-one and not of a series—ante and pass the buck." The common sense of the practical man of the world is good enough {or me! Will G. R. S. Mead or somebody wise like that tell me why it is t…