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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 68
… far as energy is concerned. I’m just as bad or worse than I was on the day which I have called the day of Apophis (third day). The only thing to my credit is the way I’ve kept the mantra going. One thing at least is good; if anything does come of this great magical retirement—which I am beginning to doubt—it will not be mixed up with any other enthusiasm, poetic, venereal, or bacchanalian. It will be purely mystici But as it has not happened yet—- and just at present it seems incredible that it should happen—I think we may change the subject. …
1909 · PDF PAGE 35
…l try a little longer in the Position of the Hanged Man, although sleep is again attacking me. I am weary, yet content, as if some great thing had indeed happened. But if I lost consciousness— a thing no man can be positive about from the nature of things—it must have happened so quietly that I never knew. Certainly I should not have thought that I had gone on for 25 minutes, as I did. But I do indeed ask for a Knowledge and Conversa- tion of the Holy Guardian Angel which is not left so much to be inferred from the good results in my life and w…
1909 · PDF PAGE 71
… that mere exuberance of the former can excite the latter. In other words there is probably some first matter of the work which is not anything we know of as bodily. On my return to London, I must certainly put the matter before more experienced mathematicians, and if possible, get a graphic analysis of the kind in- dicated.] How difficult and expensive it is to get drunk, when one is doing magic ! Nothing exhilarates or otherwise affects one. Oh, the pathos and tragedy of those lines : Come where the booze is cheaper ! Come where the pots hold m…
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
…imple Magical Progress. The Next Step for humanity in general was then “ the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel.” One thing at a time. But here he finds himself discussing and disputing with himself the nature of that Knowledge. Better far act as hitherto, and aspire simply and directly, as one person'to another, careless of the critical objec- tions (quite insuperable, of course) to this or any other conception. For as this experience transcends reason, it is fruitless to argue about it. Adonai, I invoke Thee! Simpler, then, …
1909 · PDF PAGE 58
… single blow of the magic knife, etc. etc. etc., we can regard the Western system as the essential one. Yet of course Pranayama, for one thing, has its own definite magical effect, apart from teaching the practitioner that he must last out those three seconds—those deadly long last three seconds—even if he burst in the process. All this I am writing during breakfast. My devotees may note, by the way, how the desire to sleep is breaking up. Night I. 7% hours, unbroken from 12.30. ,, II. 7 hours nearly, with dreams. ,, III. 8 hours nearly; but wok…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
…erious trouble with fountain pens, and the waste of priceless time fixing them up. They have been wrong throughout the whole operation, a thing that has not happened to me for near eight years. I hope I’ve got a good one at last—yes, thank God ! this one writes decently.) 43
1909 · PDF PAGE 138
…rstand all the Psalms of Benediction; there is spontaneous praise, a fountain in my heart. The authors of the Psalms must have known something of this Illumination when they wrote them. It seems, too, that this Operation is transformed. I suppose it must read as a patchwork of most inhar- monious colour, a thing without continuityor cohesion. Το me, now, it appears from the very start a simple direct progress in one straight line. I can hardly remember that there were checks. Of course my rational memory picking out details finds otherwise. But …
1909 · PDF PAGE 41
…ereupon. All this I wrote in the Might of the Secret Ring committed unto me by the Masters; so that all might be absolutely correct. One thing strikes me as worthy of mention. Last night when I went into the restaurant to speak to 39
1909 · PDF PAGE 89
…nd myself on the floor, so like Rodin’s Cruche Cassée Danaide girl as never was . . . As I ought to have been in the beginning] Well, one thing I got (again !), that is, that when all is said and done, I am that I am, and all these thoughts of mine, angels and devils both, are only fleeting moods of me. The one true self of me is Adonai. Simple! Yet I cannot remain in that simplicity. I got this “revelation” through the Egyptian plane, a partial illumination of the reason. It has cleared up the mind; but alas! the mind is still there. This is the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 60
…luminating is but a crowd of dog-faced demons, since the One Thought of Unity with Adonai is absent. But I do it on purpose, making each thing I do into that Magic Will. So if you ask me “Are you correcting Liber DCCCCLXIII. ?" I reply, “ No! Iam Adonail " Arrival of the Visconti. Departure of the Visconti. Really a necessary rest: for my head had begun to ache, and her kiss, half given and half taken, much refreshed me. Have done Liber DCCCCLXIII. 'Tis hardly thinkable that one could have read it (merely) in the
1909 · PDF PAGE 114
… devil to whisper in thine ear the doubt: Is there in truth any mystic path at all? Is it all disappointmentand illusion ? And the “Poor Thing " John St. John moves off
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…me to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I did 21 Breath-cycles without fatigue. Energy returns, and Keenness to pursue the Path—all fruits of that one little victory over sleep. How delicate are these powers, so simple as they seem ! Let me be very humble, now and for ever more ! Surely at least that les…
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…ual to Neroda-Samapatti, the trance of Nibbana. I hope I shall be able to live up to this! Have been practising Asana, etc. I forgot one thing in the last entry: I had been reproaching Adonai that for six days I had evoked Him in vain. . . . I got the reply, “ The Seventh Day shall be the Sabbath of the Lord thy God.” So mote it be! T/æ Seven/ll Day. I began this great day with Eight breath—cycles; was stopped by the indigestion trouble in its other form. (P.S.—Evidently the introduction of the Cascara into my sensitive aura made its action ins…
1909 · PDF PAGE 119
… all over, cannot get comfort— able anyhow; is hungry, and has no appetite; thirsty, and loathes the thought of drinking! He must do something—something pretty drastic, or he will find himself in serious trouble of body and mind, the shadows of his soul, that is sick unto death. For “ where are now their gods?” Where is the Lord, the Lord Adonai? The beast feels decidedly better; but whether he is more concentrated one may doubt. Honestly, he is now so blind that he cannot tell! Perhaps a “cafe, cognac, et Cigare” may tune him up to the point of…
1909 · PDF PAGE 54
THE EQUINOX 2.18. relative of whom nobody for years had ever seen any- 3.6. 52 thing but his head, which he would poke out of a waterproof sheet. He was supposed to be an invalid. I am glad to say that I woke properly and got quite automatically on to the mantra. My Prana, however, seems feverish and unbalanced. So I eat a biscuit or two and drink some water and will put it right with the Pentagram Ritual. Done, but oh! how hard. Sleep fights me as Apollyon fought Christian! but I will up and take him by the throat. (See; ’tis 2.30. Twelve minut…
1909 · PDF PAGE 99
10.57. 11.30. 11.45. 11.56. 12.2. 12.19. JOHN ST. JOHN stay doing any one simple thing for ten minutes at a stretch! Twenty-five Breath-Cycles . . . But it nearly killed me. I was saying over the Ritual, and did so want to get to the Formulation of the Hexagram at least, ifnot to the Reception. As it was, I broke down during the Passage of the Pylons, luckily not till I had reached that of Tahuti. But it is a good rule; when in doubt play Pranayama. For one can no longer worry about the Path: the Question is reduced to the simple problem: Am I, …
1909 · PDF PAGE 113
… is Vau in Hebrew, and the Tarot Trump corresponding to Van is the Hierophant or Initiator—whereby is Ο. Μ. greatly comforted. So poor a thing hath he become! Even as a little child groping feebly for the breast of its mother, so gropeth Thy little child after Thee, O Thou Self—Glittering One ! He hath read through Days VIII. and IX. . . . He is too tired to understand what he reads. He will, despite of all, do a little Pranayama, and then sleep, ever willing Adonai. For Pranayama with its intense physical strain is a great medicine for the min…
1909 · PDF PAGE 107
…ndency of the being John St. John) was operating aright. Now by no effort of will can he flog his tired cattle along the trail. So poor a thing is he that he will even seek an Oracle from the book of Zoroaster. Done. Zoroaster respectfully wishes to point out that " The most mystic of discourses informs us—His wholeness is in the Supra—Mundane Order ; for there a Solar World and Boundless Light subsist, as the Oracles of the Chaldeans affirm.” Not very helpful, is it? As if divination could ever help on such exalted planes ! As if the trumpery el…
1909 · PDF PAGE 16
…re of this Ritual is 4.30. explained later.—ED.] 5.10. I have returned from my shopping. Strange how 14 solemn and dignified so trivial a thing becomes, once one has begun to concentrate l I bought two pears, half a pound of Garibaldi biscuits, and a packet of Gaufrettes. I hada Citron presse, too, at the Dome. At the risk of violating the precepts of Zoroaster 170 and 144 I propose to do a Tarot divination for this Operation. ᾽
1909 · PDF PAGE 117
… how to curse. In his early days at Wastdale Head people would travel miles to hear him! Curse all the Gods and all the demons—all those things in short which go to make up John St. John. For timi—as he now knows—is the Name of the great Enemy, the Dweller upon the Threshold. It was that mighty spirit whose formless horror beat him back, for it was he! So now to return to concentration and the Will toward Adonai. One thing is well; the vow of " interpreting every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul” is keeping itself. Whateve…