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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 16
THE EQUINOX 3.41. Began again. I shall take " Hua allalu alazi lailaha illa hua” for mantra [any sacred sentence, whose con- stant repetition produces many strange effects upon the mind.——ED.] if I want one, or : may Adonai reveal unto me a special mantra to invoke Him! 3.51. Broke down again, mantra and all. 352- Went on meditating in “ Hanged Man posture " [Legs 4.14. crossed, arms below head, like the figure of the Hanged Man in the Tarot Gards.—BD.] to formulate sacrifice and pain self—inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a f…
1909 · PDF PAGE 15
{2.12. 12.13 12.24. 12.55. 2.18. 3.15. 3.20. 3.28. י3.36 JOHN ST. JOHN I thought of recording my own weight which I had not taken. Good! Pranayama [10 seconds to breathe in, 20 seconds to breathe out, 30 seconds to hold in the breath] Fairly good ; made me sweat again thoroughly. Stopped not from fatigue but from lunch. [Odd memoranda during lunch. Insist on pupils writing down their whole day; the play as well as the work. “By this means they will become ashamed, and prate no longer of ‘beasts.’ "] Ι am now well away on the ascetic current, de…
1909 · PDF PAGE 130
…. 2.22. 128 THE EQUINOX utterable foulness; though both adultery and religion are themselves clean. To mix jam and mustard is a messy mistake. It also struck me that this Operation is (among other things) an attempt to prove the proposition : Reward is the direct and immediate consequence of Work. Of all the holy illuminated Men of God of my acquaintance, I am the only one that holds this opinion. But I think that this Record, when I have time to go through it, and stand at some distance, to get the per— spective, will be proved a conclusive pr…
1909 · PDF PAGE 42
…perfectly balanced, neither hungry nor nauseated. This is indeed more important than it seems ; it is a sure sign when one sees a person take up fads that he is under the black rule of Apophis. In the Kingdom of Osiris there is freedom and light. To-day I shall eat neither with the frank gluttony of Isis nor with the severe asceticism of Apophis. I shall eat as much and as little as I fancy; these violent means are no longer necessary. Like Count Fosco, I shall “go on my way sustained by my sublime confidence, self-balanced by my impenetrable ca…
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
9.10. 953- 10.14. 10.27. 122 THE EQUINOX bered at all. I have gone to bed, and shall take things in hand seriously, ifit kills me. Since 9.17 have done Pranayama, though allowing myself some irregularities in the way of occasional omission 01 a Kambhakham. ’Tis very hard to stick to it. I find myself, at the end of above sentence, automatically crawling into bed. No, John! Have been trying to extract some sense from that extraordinary treatise on mysticism, “ Konx Om Pax." Another failure, but an excusable one. I will now beseech Adonai as best …
1909 · PDF PAGE 12
…e universal Fluid. The whole formulating the Ankh—the Key of Life! Igave moreover the signs ofthe grades from 0° =o°to7": 4°. Then did I take upon myself the Great Obligation as follows : I. I, O.M. &c., a member of the Body of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the whole Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering: II. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order: III. that I will understand all things : IVA that I will love all things: ᾽ V. that I will perform all things and endure all things…
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
…r four times in the night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate—and my weak will bade it be at ease and take its rest—oh, wretched man! slave of the hour and of the worm 1 Fifteen cycles of Prana Yama put me right mentally and physically: otherwise they had little apparent success. Have breakfasted—a pear and two Garibaldis. (These by the way are the small size, half the big squares) Have smoked a pipe to show that I'm not in a hurry. Hanged Man with mantra in Visuddhi. Thought I had been much longer. At one poi…
1909 · PDF PAGE 46
…mehow or other I have got off the track; have been fooling about with too many odd things, necessary as they may have been. I had better take a solid hour willing the Tryst with Adonai. Have done all this, and a Work of Kindness. I will again revise the new ritual, dine, return and copy it fair for use. Let Adonai the Lord oversee the Work, that it be per- fect, a sure link with Him, a certain and infallible Conjuration, and Spell, and Working of true Magick Art, that I may invoke Him with success whenever seemeth good unto Him. Unto Him; not u…
1909 · PDF PAGE 104
…t tremendous Threshold; wherefore he fell from meditation into sleep, and there his Lord gave him sweet rest thereof. He will arise, and take a drink—a citron presse—at the Dome ; for the day is yet exceeding hot, and he has had little One ought to remark that all this sleep is full of extravagant dreams ; rarely irrational and never (of course) unpleasant, or one would be up and working with a circle every night. But O.M. thinks that they show an excited and unbalanced condition of John St. John‘s brain, though he is almost too cowed to expres…
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…hat lesson has been burnt into me. And how gladly I would give all these powers for the One Power ! Another smart attack of diarrhoea. I take 4 gr. Plumb. c. Opio and alter my determination to stay out of bed all night, as chill is doubtless the chief cause. . . . It is really extraordinaryhow the smallest success 123
1909 · PDF PAGE 21
…attains the Supreme Reward for himself alone; a Dhamma—Buddha renounces it and returns to hell (earth) to teach others the Way—Eu] I now take a few minutes “off" to make ”considera- tions." I firmly believe that the minutest dose of the Elixir would operate as a “ detonator.” I seem to be perfectly ready for illumination, if only because I am so perfectly dark. Yet my power to create magical images is still with me. ' I 1.40— Hanged Man posture. Will invoke Adonai once more 12.0. by pure thought Got into a very curious state indeed ; part of me …
1909 · PDF PAGE 54
… and will put it right with the Pentagram Ritual. Done, but oh! how hard. Sleep fights me as Apollyon fought Christian! but I will up and take him by the throat. (See; ’tis 2.30. Twelve minutes to do that little in!) And look at the handwriting! How excellent is Prana Yama, a comfort to the soul! I did thirty-two cycles, easy and pleasant; could have gone on indefinitely. The muscles went rigid, prac— tically of their own accord; so light did I feel that I almost thought myself to be “that wise one ” who “can balance himself on his thumb.” Sleep …
1909 · PDF PAGE 116
…ὀ. Maya, 0, they will read in the local newspaper. There is no getting away from that! Failure! Failure! Failure! Now then let me (7.35) take the position of the Hanged Man and invoke Adonai. Probably sleep returned shortly. Not a good night, though dreamless, so far as memory serves. The rain comes wearily down, not chasing the dryness, but soddening the streets. The rain of autumn, not the rain of spring! So is it in this soul, Lord Adonai. The thought of Thee is heavy and uneasy, flabby and loose, like an old fat woman stupid-drunk in her slu…
1909 · PDF PAGE 51
… torturing, and branding by fire. . . . Anything for a quiet life! But scourging oneself is not easy with a robe on; and though one could take it off, there is this point to be considered : that one can never (except by a regrettable accident) hurt oneself more than one wants to. In other words, it is impossible thus to inflict pain, and so flagellants have been rightly condemned as mere volup- tuaries. The only way to do so would be to inflict some torture whose severity one could not gauge at the time: e.g., one might dip oneself in petroleum and…
1909 · PDF PAGE 132
…neth all-embracing Space; though Thou be in the inmost part of matter, or behind the Veil of mind; Thee will I follow; Thee will I over- take; Thee will I gather into my being. So thus as I chase Thee from fastness to fastness of my brain, as Thou throwest out against me Veil after Magic Veil of glory, or of fear, or of despair, or of desire; it matters nothing; at the End I shall attain to Thee— oh my Lord Adonai! And even as the Capture is delight, is not the Chase also delight? For we are lovers from the Beginning, though it pleasure Thee to…
1909 · PDF PAGE 87
…vil, how vast must be the Pylon that shelters him, and how glorious must be the Temple just beyond I It seems that there was one more mistake to make; for I’ve made it! I started to attempt to awaken the Kundalini—the magical serpent that sleeps at the base of the spine; coiled in three coils and a half around the Sushumna; and instead of pumping the Prana up and down the Sushumna until Siva was united with Sakti in the Sahasrara-Cakkram, I tried—God knows why; I'm stupider than an ass or H . . . C . . . .—-to work the whole operation in Muladh…
1909 · PDF PAGE 136
…as given to enjoy the subtle Presence of my Lord interiorly during the whole of this twelfth day. Then Ι besought the Lord that He would take me into His presence eternally even now. But He withdrew Himself, for that I must do that which I was sent hither to do; namely, to rule the earth. Therefore with sweetness ineffable He parted from me ; yet leaving acomfort not to be told, aPeace . . . the Peace. And the Light and the Perfume do certainly yet remain with me in the little Chamber, and I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand…
1909 · PDF PAGE 102
…Again and again he stood at the gate, and could not enter. And the Violet Flames of Ajna triumphed over him. Then Brenner said: “ Let us take a little rest!”—oh irony l—and he came down from his throne, staggering with fatigue. . . . If you can conceive of all his anger and despair! His pen, writing this, forms a letter badly, and through clenched teeth he utters a fierce curse. Oh Lord Adonai, look with favour upon him 1 After five minutes rest (to the body, that is), John St. John was too exhausted on resuming his pose, which, by the way, happe…
1909 · PDF PAGE 17
…ne, since I am now sufficiently sure of myself to attain something or other; but I cannot fore- tell exactly what form the attainment may take. Just so, if one goes to call upon a friend, he may be walking or riding or sleeping. Thus, then, is Adonai hidden from me. I know where He lives; I know I shall be welcome if I call; but I do not know whether He will invite me to a banquet or ask me to go out with Him for a long journey. It may be that the Rota. will give me some hint. [We have omitted the details of this divination—En] I am never very c…
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
… Dome, master of myself. The Mantra goes just 30 times a minute, 1800 times an hour, 43,200 times a day. To say it a million times would take longer than Mrs. Glyn’s heroine did to conceive. Yet I will get the result if I have to say it a hundred and eleven million times. But oh! fertilise my Akasic egg to- day] This remark, one should notice, is truly characteristic of the man John St. John. I see how funny it is; but I’m quite serious withal. Ye dull dogs!