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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 73
JOHN ST. JOHN 10.55. evil in truth, because only that is evil (in one sense) which does not lead to Adonai. (In another sense, all is evil which is not Adonai.) And of course I had the insane idea that this ritual would serve to stimulatemy devotion. For the information of the Z.A.M., I may explain that this ritual pertained to Saturn in Libra; and, though right enough in its own plane, is a dog— faced demon in this operation. Is it, though? I am so blind that I can no longer decide the simplest problems. Else, I see so well, and am so balanced…
1909 · PDF PAGE 111
…of him, worry about the Record and the Ritual and—- O! everything l—then, too, the thoughts which are closer yet to the great Enemy, the sense of separate- ness ; that sense itself at last—~50 O. M. withdrew from the conflict for a moment so that the duty of this Record done might leave him free for the fight. It may have been a snare—~may the Lord Adonai keep him in the Path. Adonai! Adonai! (P.S.—Add that the “ultra-violet” or “astral” light in the room was such that it seemed bright as daylight. He hath never seen the like, even in the ceremon…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
…s of Severity, the one implying Self—Sacrifice, the other involuntary suffering. One is Free- will, the other Karma; and that in a wider sense than that of Suffering. The Ritual DCLXXI will still be applicable: indeed, it may be considered sufficient; but of course it must be lived as well as per- formed. (1 must here complain of serious trouble with fountain pens, and the waste of priceless time fixing them up. They have been wrong throughout the whole operation, a thing that has not happened to me for near eight years. I hope I’ve got a good on…
1909 · PDF PAGE 49
…re du Montparnasse. Well, it requires very considerable discrimination and a good sound foundation of knowledge, if one means to get any sense at all out of these Hindu books. A little Pranayama, I think. Can’t get steady and easy at all! Will try Hanged Man again. Not much good. The mantra goes on, but without getting hold of the Cakkrarn. ’Tis difficult to explain ; the best simile I can get is that of a motor running with the clutch out; or of a man cycling on a susPended machine. There's no grip to it. 47
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
… to stick to it. I find myself, at the end of above sentence, automatically crawling into bed. No, John! Have been trying to extract some sense from that extraordinary treatise on mysticism, “ Konx Om Pax." Another failure, but an excusable one. I will now beseech Adonai as best I may to give me back my lost powers. For I am no more even a magician! So lost am I in the illusions that I have made in the Search for Adonai, that I am become the vilest of them all! A strange and unpleasant experience. My thought suddenly transmuted itself into a mus…
1909 · PDF PAGE 60
…D.] I should like to write mantrams for each chapter. Still at Liber DCCCCLXIII. I need hardly say that I am perfectly aware that in one sense all this working and ritual making and copying and illuminating is but a crowd of dog-faced demons, since the One Thought of Unity with Adonai is absent. But I do it on purpose, making each thing I do into that Magic Will. So if you ask me “Are you correcting Liber DCCCCLXIII. ?" I reply, “ No! Iam Adonail " Arrival of the Visconti. Departure of the Visconti. Really a necessary rest: for my head had begu…
1909 · PDF PAGE 118
…strip the possible of glory. The flood of the Chittam is again being heaped up by the dam of Discipline. There is less headache, and more sense of being on the Path—that is the only way one finds of expressing it. Worse and worse ; though pose even better held. In despair returned to a simple practice, the holdingof the mind to a single imagined object; in this case the Triangle surmounted by the Cross. It seems quite easy to do nowadays; why shouldn’t it lead to The Result? It used to be supposed to do so. Might be worth trying anyway; things ca…
1909 · PDF PAGE 36
12.15. 12.34. 12.57. .!.ס 1.5. 735- 34 THE EQUINOX I want that definite experience in the very same sense as Abramelin had it; and what’s more, I mean to go on till I get it. I begin, therefore, in Hanged Man posture, to invoke the Angel, within the Pyramid already duly prepared by DCLXXI. Alas! in vain have I tried even the supreme ritual of Awaiting the Beloved, although once I thought Ah ! give unto Thy beloved in sleep! How ashamed I should be, though! For an earthly lover one would be on tiptoe of excitement, trembling at every sound, eager…
1909 · PDF PAGE 56
…refully the Elemental Hosts, or to marshal them about the circle) I yet, by the favour of IAO, obtained a really good effect, losing all sense of personality and being exalted in the Pillar. Peace and ecstasy enfolded me, It is well. But as I was ill last night, and as the morning has broken chill and damp, I will go to the Cafe du Dome
1909 · PDF PAGE 24
… No good. Went off into a reverie about a castle and men-at—arms. This had all the qualities of a true dream, yet I was not in any other sense asleep. I soon will be, though. It seems foolish to persist.
1909 · PDF PAGE 64
…rsenic ” and " all—god— good—bones—truth—lights—liver—mind—blessing —heart——-one and not of a series—ante and pass the buck." The common sense of the practical man of the world is good enough {or me! Will G. R. S. Mead or somebody wise like that tell me why it is that if I get out of my body and face (say) East, I can turn (in the “ astral body") as far as West-Sou’-West or thereabouts, but no further except with very great difficulty and after long practice? In making the circle, just as I got to West, I would swing right back to West—Nor’-West…
1909 · PDF PAGE 63
…ote-book, and stop-watch. The Yogi is usually in practice just as vague a dreamer as the mystic] They keep one always balanced by common sense. One might go off on lines of pleasing illusion for years, until one was lost on the ”Astral Plane.” All this, observe, is very meaningless, very vague at the best. What is the Astral Plane? Is there such a thing? How do its phantoms differ from those of absinthe, reverie, and love, and so on? We may admit their unsubstantiality without denying their power; the phantoms of absinthe and love are potent en…
1909 · PDF PAGE 48
…reliminary to the jumping about like a frog —1 had omitted this, as one is so obviously thefgerm of the other. The Hindus seem to lack a sense of proportion. When the Yogi, by turning his tongue back for one half— minute, has conquered old age, disease and death; then instead of having a good time he patiently (and rather pathetically, I think !) devotes his youthful
1909 · PDF PAGE 129
…e one’s clothes. “Dirt is matter in the wrong place." It is dirt to connect sex with statuary, morals with art. Only Adonai, who is in a sense the True Meaning of everything, cannot defile any idea. This is a hard saying, though true, for nothing of course is dirtier than to try and use Adonai as a fig—leaf for one’s shame. To seduce women under pretence of religion is un- 127
1909 · PDF PAGE 93
…the Ritual. In the desert of my soul, where no herb grows, there is yet one little spring. I am still one—pointed, at least in the lower sense that I have no desire or ambition but this of accomplishing the Great Work. Barren is this soul of mine, in these 3% years of drought (the 3% coils of the Kundalini are implied by this) and this Ekagrata is the little cloud like an hand (Yod, the Lingam of great Shiva). And, though I catch up my robe and run before the chariot of the King into Jezreel, it may be 9}
1909 · PDF PAGE 109
…drunk only about one third of his half-bottle of light white wine ; yet he’s like a hashish-drunkard, only more so. The loss of the time-sense which occurs with hashish he got during his experiments with that drug in I906, but in an unimportant way. (Damn him! he is so glad. He calls this a Result. A result! Damn him!) O.M. who writes this is so angry with him that he wants to scrawl the page over with the most fearful curses ! and John St. [01111 has nearly thrown a bottle at the waiter for not bringing the next course. He will not be allowed …
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
3.15. 3.30. 345. 28 THE EQUINOX Yet now—ah now 1—1 am but a dead man. Within me and without still stirs that life of sense that is not life, but is as the worms that {east upon my corpse. . . . Adonail Adonai! my Lord Adonai! indeed, Thou hast forsaken me. Nay! thou liest, O weak soul! Abide in the meditation; unite all thy symbols into the form of a Lion, and be lord of thy jungle, travelling through the servile Universe even as Man the Lion very lordly, the Sun in His strength that travelleth over the heaven of Nu in His bark in the mid-caree…
1909 · PDF PAGE 126
… contest and being told that one may do anything but listen. Only worse! One could form some idea of how they were playing through other senses; in this case every faculty is the enemy of the Work. At first sight the problem seems insoluble. It may be so, for me. At least, I have not solved it. Yet I have come very near it, many a time, of old ; have solved it indeed, though in a less important sense than now I seek. I am not to be content with little or with much; but only with the Ultimate Attainment. Apparently the method is just this; to sto…
1909 · PDF PAGE 29
…o this at all. The Prana seems equilibrated in the whole organism: I am very peaceful—just as a corpse is. It is terribly annoying, in 3 sense, because this con- ditionis just the opposite of Dharana; yet one knows that it is a stage on the way to Samadhi. So I rise and give confidently the Sign of Apophis and Typhon, and will then regard the reflection of the sweet October Sun in the kissing waters of the fountain. (RS.—I now remember that I forgot to rise and give the Sign.) In vain do I regard the Sun, broken up by the lips of the water into c…
1909 · PDF PAGE 85
…is concentrating in active magic: I did all my early evocations in Chancery Lane. But now one is deliberately opening all the avenues of sense to admit Adonail One has destroyed one’s own Magic Circle. The whole of that great Building is thrown down. . . Therefore I am in a worse hole than] ever was before— and I‘ve onlyjust realised it. A footfallon the pavement is most acute agony—because it is not Adonai. My hearing, normally rather dull, is intensely sharpened; and I am thirty yards from the electric trams of the Boulevard Montparnasse at t…