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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 95
4.15. 4.40. JOHN STi JOHN accurate! I wrote it and never saw the hellish snarel I ought to have risen up and prepared myself cere- monially as a bride, and waited in the proper magical manner. Also I was too pleased with the Heralds of my Lord’s coming—the vision of Khephra, etc. It was perhaps this subtle self-satisfaction that lost me . . . so I fell to the shocking abyss of last night! The Dweller of the Threshold is never visible until after one has fallen; he is a Veiled God and smites like the Evil Knight in Malory, riding and slaying—and…
1909 · PDF PAGE 51
JOHN ST. JOHN 10.42. though, with a little scourging, torturing, and branding by fire. . . . Anything for a quiet life! But scourging oneself is not easy with a robe on; and though one could take it off, there is this point to be considered : that one can never (except by a regrettable accident) hurt oneself more than one wants to. In other words, it is impossible thus to inflict pain, and so flagellants have been rightly condemned as mere volup- tuaries. The only way to do so would be to inflict some torture whose severity one could not gauge at t…
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…m ; for the whole Sushumna seems dead. This at the risk of being labelled a Black Magician—by clergymen, Christian Scientists, and the “ self—reliant” classes in general. Arrived (partly by cab) at the Place. Certain curious phenomena which I have noticed at odd times—e.g., on Thursday night—but did not think proper to record must be investigated. It seems quite certain that meditation-practices profoundly affect the sexual pro— cess : how and why I do not yet certainly know. 2.45. Rubbish! everything perfectly normal. 26 Difficult, though, to k…
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
…asted on discussing the nature of the Attainment—a discussion foredoomed to failure, in the absence of all Knowledge, and in view of the Self- Contradictory Nature of the Reasoning Faculty, as applied to Metaphysics—that it would be wiser to drop the whole question, and concentrate on a simple Magical Progress. The Next Step for humanity in general was then “ the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel.” One thing at a time. But here he finds himself discussing and disputing with himself the nature of that Knowledge. Better far act…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
… I. It may perhaps mean severe asceticism. In case I should be going out on that path I will try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself. 2. The paths leading to Geburah are from Hod, that of the Hanged Man, andfrom Tiphereth, that of Justice, both equilibrated aspects of Severity, the one implying Self—Sacrifice, the other involuntary suffering. One is Free- will, the other Karma; and that in a wider sense than that of Suffering. The Ritual DCLXXI will still be applicable: indeed, it may be considered sufficient; but of course it must be l…
1909 · PDF PAGE 139
…from above, from the overshadowing Tree of Life, whose leaves glisten and quiver in the shining wind of the Spirit, drops ever and anon, self—luminous, the Dew of Immortality. Many and wonderful also were the Visions and powers offered unto me in this hour; but I refused them all; for being in my Lord and He in me, there is no need of these toys. The pose over. On this second sitting, practically no thoughts arose at all to cloud the Sun; but a curious feeling that there was something more to come. Possibly the Proof, that I had demanded, the W…
1909 · PDF PAGE 38
…Path of the Wise may receive some hint of the method of operation of the L.V.X. And I think that a description will help me to collect myself for the proper adaptation of this Ritual to the purpose of Self-initiation. Oh, how soft is the air, and how serene the sky, to one who has passed through the black rule of Apophis! How infinitely musical are the voices of Nature, those that are heard and those that are not heard! What Understanding of the Universe, what Love is the prize of him that hath performed all things and endured all things! The fir…
1909 · PDF PAGE 42
…ttle as I fancy; these violent means are no longer necessary. Like Count Fosco, I shall “go on my way sustained by my sublime confidence, self-balanced by my impenetrable calm." I have spent half an hour wandering in the Musée du Luxembourg. I now sit down to meditate on this new ritual. The following, so it appears, should be the outlines— damn it, I’ve a good mind to write it straight off—no! I’ll be patient and tease the Spirit a little. I will be coquettish as a Spanish catamite. I. Death summons Life and clears away all other forces. 2. The…
1909 · PDF PAGE 89
…welcome to it, poor God! The L.V.X. came, too; but not enough to pierce the awful shroud of darkness that by my folly I have woven for myself. So at the end I found myself on the floor, so like Rodin’s Cruche Cassée Danaide girl as never was . . . As I ought to have been in the beginning] Well, one thing I got (again !), that is, that when all is said and done, I am that I am, and all these thoughts of mine, angels and devils both, are only fleeting moods of me. The one true self of me is Adonai. Simple! Yet I cannot remain in that simplicity. I …
1909 · PDF PAGE 101
…5- 8.25. 8.35. 10.25. JOHN ST. JOHN He must do his best. He does not wish to wake too thoroughly, either, lest afterward he oversleep himself, and miss his appointment with Michael Brenner to continue moulding Siddhasana. Again I awake. . . , ]0 swine! thou hast felt in thy- self " Good! Good I the night is broken up nicely; all goes very well ”—and thou hast written “ I ! " Oswine, John St. John! When wilt thou learn that the least stirring of thy smug content is the great Fall from the Plath ?[ It will be best to get up and do some kind of wo…
1909 · PDF PAGE 135
JOHN STA ]ΟΗΝ 12.17. began as recorded above, to inflame myself in praying, calling upon my Lord ; and I burned in the Lamp that Pantacle which I had made of Him, renouncing the Images, destroying the Images, that Himself might arise in me. And the Chamber was filled with that wondrous glow of ultra-violet light self-luminous, without a source, that hath no counterpart in Nature unless it be in that Dawn of the North. . . . And there were revealed unto me certain Words of Power . . . And I invoked my Lord and recited the Book Ararita at the Altar…
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…s action instantaneous.) My breathing passages were none too clear, either ; I have evidently taken a chill. Now, O my Lord Adonai, thou Self-Glittering One, wilt Thou not manifest unto Thy chosen one? For see 73
1909 · PDF PAGE 18
…ilk. After- wards a cup of coffee, and then two hours of the Vajroli Mudra badly performed. All this I did with reluctance, as an act of self-denial or asceticisrn, lest my desire to concentrate on the mystic path should run away with me. Therefore I think it may fairly be counted unto me for righteousness. I now drink a final coffee and retire, to do I hope a more straightforward type of meditation. So mote it be. Naked, Maryt looks like Corregio’s Antiope. Her eyes are a strange grey, and her hair a very wonderful reddish gold—a colour I have …
1909 · PDF PAGE 26
…Magic of Light. Let the pulsations of my heart be strong and regular and slow! Let my brain be wakeful and active in its supreme task of self-control! That my desired end may be effected through Thy strength, Adonai, unto Whom be the Glory for ever! Amen without lie, and Amen, and Amen of Amen. I now proceed to the Hammam.? ,.ס11 24
1909 · PDF PAGE 113
…The Ten/14 Day Now that the perfume of the incense is clearly away, one may most potently perceive the Invoked Perfume of the Ceremony Itself. And this mystical perfume of Adonai is like pure Musk, but infinitely subtilised— far stronger, and at the same time far more delicate. (P.S.—-Doubt has arisen about this perfume, as to whether there was not a commonplace cause. On the balance of the evidence, carefully considered, one would pronounce for the mystic theory.) One should add a curious omen. On sitting down for the great struggle (11.14) Joh…
1909 · PDF PAGE 16
…posture " [Legs 4.14. crossed, arms below head, like the figure of the Hanged Man in the Tarot Gards.—BD.] to formulate sacrifice and pain self—inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a few minutes at a time in a position long since“ conquered." For this reason too I cut again the Cross of Blood ; and now a third time will I do it. And I will take out the Magical Knife and sharpen it yet more, so that this body may fear me ; for that I am Horus the terrible, the Avenger, the Lord of the Gate of the West. 4.15— Read Ritual DCLXXI. [T…
1909 · PDF PAGE 98
… know not what. . . Adonai, be Thou tender unto me Thy slave, and keep my footsteps in the Way of Truth! . . . Iwill return and humble myself before the Lord Adonai. Home again ; have done odd necessary things, and am ready to work. I feel slack; and I feel that I have been slack, though probably the Record shows a fair amount of work done. But I am terribly bruised by the Great Fall; these big things leave the body and mind no worse, apparently ; but they hurt the Self, and later that is reflected into the lower parts of the man as insanity or …
1909 · PDF PAGE 36
… rise and open unto my Beloved. . . . May it be granted unto me in the daylight of this day to construct from DCLXXI a perfect ritual of self-initiation, so as to avoid the constant difficulty of assuming various God-forms. Then let that ritual be a constant and perfect link between Us . . . so that at all times I may be perfect in Thy Knowledge and Conversation, Ο mine Holy Guardian Angel! to whom I have aspired these ten years past. And though as it may seem I now compose myself to sleep, I await Thee . . . I await Thee! I arise from sleep, mi…
1909 · PDF PAGE 132
…d the shadow—show, the Cause of all, the Quintessence of All, the Transcender of all. And Thee I seek insistently; though Thou hide Thy- self in the Heaven, there will I seek Thee out ; though Thou wrap Thyself in the Flames οἵthe Abyss, even there will I pursue Thee; Though Thou make Thee a secret place in the Heart of the Rose or at the Arms of the Cross that spanneth all-embracing Space; though Thou be in the inmost part of matter, or behind the Veil of mind; Thee will I follow; Thee will I over- take; Thee will I gather into my being. So th…
1909 · PDF PAGE 53
11.56. 12.26. 12.35. 2.18‘ JOHN ST. JOHN Got rid of her, thank God. I may say in self-defence that I would never have let her in but for the accident of my being outside the room and the door left open, so that she was inside on my return. Let me get into Asana. The Fifth Day So beginneth the Fifth Day of this great Magical Retirement. With two and twenty breath—cycles did I begin. This practice was a little easier; but not much better. It ought to become quite simple and natural before one devotes the half-minute of Kam- bhakam (breath held-in…