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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 127
…) John St. John will turn himself to sleep, invoking Adonai. Can neither sleep nor concentrate. Instead grotesque “ astral ” images of a quite base gargoylish type. I suppose I shall have to pentagram them off like a damned neophyte. je m'emmerde| Praise the Lord, I wake l If that can be called waking which is a mere desperate struggle to keep the eyes open. . Pranayama all wrong—very difficult. Rose, washed, drank a few drops of water. (N.B.—To—night have drunk several times, a mouthful at a time; other nights, and days, no. All entries into bo…
1909 · PDF PAGE 78
…. I should be at the end of my spells. Well? We shall see in the upshot. I really almost begin to believe IT will happen. For I lay down quite free of worry or anxiety (hugging myself, as it were), perfectly sure of Him in the simple non-assertive way that a child is sure of its mother, in a state of pleased expectancy, my thoughts quite suppressed in an intent listening, as it were for the noise of the wind of His chariot, as it were for the rustle of His wings. ᾽ For 10! through the heaven of Nu He rideth in His chariot—soon, soon He will be …
1909 · PDF PAGE 21
…' I 1.40— Hanged Man posture. Will invoke Adonai once more 12.0. by pure thought Got into a very curious state indeed ; part of me being quite perfectly asleep, and part quite perfectly awake. . Have slept, and that soundly, though with many dreams. Awaking with the utmost horror and loath- ing of the Path of the VVise—it seemed somehow like a vast dragon—demon with bronze green wings irides- cent that rose up startled and angry. And I saw that I9
1909 · PDF PAGE 53
…al Retirement. With two and twenty breath—cycles did I begin. This practice was a little easier; but not much better. It ought to become quite simple and natural before one devotes the half-minute of Kam- bhakam (breath held-in), when one is rigid to a strong projectionofWill toward Adonai,ashas been mycustom. I hope to-day will be more hard definite magical Work, less discourse, less beatific state of mind—which is the very devil! the real Calypso, none the less temptress because her name happens to be Penelope. Ah Lord Adonai, my Lord! Grant un…
1909 · PDF PAGE 48
THE EQUINOX 810. read and understand quite easily with the mantragoing; 8.22. 8.40. 9.0. 46 one can remember things. For example, I see my watch chain; I think. “Gold. Au, 196 atomic weight. AuClg, £s 105. od. an ounce ” and so on aw! infinitum; but the act of writing down these things stops the mantra. This may be (partly) because I always say under my breath each word as I write it. [P.S.-But I do so, though less possibly, as I read] As I am really awake, I may as well do a little Prana- yama. How little I know of magic and the conditions of …
1909 · PDF PAGE 50
THE EQUINOX 10.42. The fact of the matter is, I am quite unconcentrated. 48 Evidently the Osiris Risen stage is over; and I think it is a case for violent measures. If one were to slack off now and hope for the morning, like a shipwrecked Paul, one would probably wake up a mere man of the world. The Question then arises: What shall I do to be saved ? The only answer-and one which is quite unconnected with the question—is that a Ritual of Adeptus Major should display the Birth of Horus and Slaying of Typhon. Here again Horus and Harpocrates—the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 11
…though, had I thought, I should have remembered that it was so—to find all my necessary magical apparatus to my hand! Months before, for quite other reasons, I had moved most of my portable property to Paris; now I go to Paris, not thinking of a Retirement, for I now know enough to trust my destiny to bring all things to pass without anxious forethought on my part—and suddenly, therefore, here do I find myself—and nothing is lacking. I determined therefore to begin steadily and quietly, allow- ing the Magical Will to come slowly forth, daily str…
1909 · PDF PAGE 5
… in an inaccessible lamaserai in Tibet, perched on stupendous crags; and my familiarity with Central Asia would have enabled me to do it quite nicely. One should really have had an attendant Sylph ; and one’s Guru, a man of incredible age and ferocity, should have frequently appeared at the dramatic moment. A gigantic magician on a coal-black steed would have added to the effect : strange voices, uttering formidable things, should have issued from unfathomable caverns. A mountain shaped like a Svastika with 3. Pillar of Flame would have been ra…
1909 · PDF PAGE 123
…ching a poker game. Walked down to Cafe’ de Versailles. Dinner. Hors d‘CEuvre, Escargots, Cassoulet de Castelnaudary,Glace, 3% Evian. Am quite washed—out. I have not even the courage of despair. There is not enough left in me to despair. I don’t care. One gleam of light illumines the dark path—I can’t enjoy my dinner. The snails, as I prong them forth, are such ugly, slimy, greasy black horrors—oh! so like my soul! . . . Ugh! I write a letter to F broken pentagram. It makes me think of a “ busted flush.” . . . But through all the sunlight peeps:…
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…us phenomena which I have noticed at odd times—e.g., on Thursday night—but did not think proper to record must be investigated. It seems quite certain that meditation-practices profoundly affect the sexual pro— cess : how and why I do not yet certainly know. 2.45. Rubbish! everything perfectly normal. 26 Difficult, though, to keep mantram going. Am sitting on the brink of the big fountain in the Luxembourg. This deadness of the whole system continues. To explain. Normally, if the thought be energetically directed to almost any point in the body,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
… Knowledge. Better far act as hitherto, and aspire simply and directly, as one person'to another, careless of the critical objec- tions (quite insuperable, of course) to this or any other conception. For as this experience transcends reason, it is fruitless to argue about it. Adonai, I invoke Thee! Simpler, then, to go back to the Egoistic diction, only remembering always that by “I” is meant John St. John, or O. M., or Adonai according to the context. Have read some of THE Books to induct myself again into the Work. Therefore will I kindle the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 20
…et the Buddhist feeling, not only that Asana is intensely painful, but that all conceivable positions of the body are so. Still sitting; quite sceptical; sticking to it just because I am a man, and have decided to go through with it. Have done 10 RY. cycles. Α bit better, and a slight hint of the Bhuchari Siddhi foreshadowed. Have been saying mantra; the question arises in my mind:
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
JOHN ST. JOHN 3.55. but quite simply, just as anybody else might buy them. In short, I bought them in a truly Rosicrucian manner, according to the custom of the country. I add a few considerations on the grade of Adeptus Major 6°: 5°. (RS—Distinction is to be made between attainment of this grade in the natural and in the spiritual world. The former I long since possessed.) I. It may perhaps mean severe asceticism. In case I should be going out on that path I will try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself. 2. The paths leading to Geburah…
1909 · PDF PAGE 91
…ith my Lord Adonai I The Eighth Day Thus the Eighth day, the Second Week, begins. I am in Asana. For some reason or other, Pranayarna is quite easy. Concentrating on Adonai, Iwas in Kam- bhakham for a whole minute without distress. It is true, by the way. I was—and am—in some danger of looking on this Record as a Book; i.e., of emphasising things for their literary effect, and diminishing the importance of others which lend them- selves less obviously. But the answer to this, friend Satan] is that the Canon of Art is Truth, and the Canon of Mag…
1909 · PDF PAGE 137
…write of the dew and the flowers in the clear October sunlight. Yet the light which I behold is still more than sunlight. My eyes too are quite weak from the Vision ; I cannot bear the brilliance of things. The clock of the Senate strikes ; and my ears are ravished with its mysterious melody. It is the Infinite interior movement of things, secured by the co-exten- Ι35
1909 · PDF PAGE 67
…back to strict Hatha—Yoga feeding. Half-dozen oysters and an entrecöte aux pommes. Back to work. I am in a very low physical condition ; quite equilibrated, but exhausted. I can hardly walk upright! Lord Adonai, how far I wander from the gardens of Thy beauty, where play the fountains of the Elixir! Wrote two pages; the previous were not really dry; so I must wait a little before illuminating. I will rest—if I can! In the Hanged Man posture. I soon went to sleep and stayed there. It is useless to persist. . . . Yet I persist. I was so shockingl…
1909 · PDF PAGE 12
THE EQUINOX bone. I took also the magical knife, and the holy Anointing Oil of Abramelin the Mage. I began then quite casually by performing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, finding to my great joy and some surprise that the Pentagrams instantly formulated themselves, visible to the material eye as it were bars of shining blackness deeper than the night. I then consecrated myself to the Operation; cutting the Tonsure upon my head, a circle, as it were to admit the light of infinity: and cutting the cross of blood upon my breast, thus…
1909 · PDF PAGE 118
…ed to a simple practice, the holdingof the mind to a single imagined object; in this case the Triangle surmounted by the Cross. It seems quite easy to do nowadays; why shouldn’t it lead to The Result? It used to be supposed to do so. Might be worth trying anyway; things can hardly be worse than they are. Or, one might go over to the Hammam, and have a long bath and sleep—but who can tell whether it would refresh, or merely destroy the whole edifice built up so laboriously in these ten days? At Pantheon. ἑdozen Marennes, Rognons Brochette, Lait c…
1909 · PDF PAGE 14
…n detect any danger, and devise a means to meet it and overcome it. Have finished bath and massage, during which I continued steadily but quite gently, “not by a strain laborious and hurtful but with stability void of move- ment,” willing the Presence of Adonai. I ordered a dozen oysters and a beefsteak, and now (1210) find myself wishing for an apple chewed and swallowed by deglutition, as the Hatha Yogis do. The distaste for food has already begun. Impressions already failmg to conned. I was getting into Asana and thinking “I will record this f…
1909 · PDF PAGE 31
…as might with advantage be palindromes. I try to construct a magic square from the mantra. No good. But the mantra is going much better, quite mechanically and “without attachment ” (la, without conscious ulterior design. “Art for Art’s sake ” as it were). I drink a “Citron pressé.” Alas! here comes Maryt (with a sad tale of X. It appears that she fainted and spent some hours at the hospital. I should have insisted on her staying with me; the symptoms began immediately on her drinking some coffee. I have noticed with myself, that eating has sta…