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Page 1 of 31909 · PDF PAGE 63
…d so on? We may admit their unsubstantiality without denying their power; the phantoms of absinthe and love are potent enough to drive a man to death or marriage; while reverie may end in anti-vivisectionism or nut— food-madness. On the whole, I prefer to explain the many terrible catastrophes I have seen caused by magic misunder— stood by supposing that in magic one is working with some very subtle and essential function of the brain, whose disease may mean for one man paralysis, for another mania, for a third melancholia, for a fourth death. …
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
3.15. 3.30. 345. 28 THE EQUINOX Yet now—ah now 1—1 am but a dead man. Within me and without still stirs that life of sense that is not life, but is as the worms that {east upon my corpse. . . . Adonail Adonai! my Lord Adonai! indeed, Thou hast forsaken me. Nay! thou liest, O weak soul! Abide in the meditation; unite all thy symbols into the form of a Lion, and be lord of thy jungle, travelling through the servile Universe even as Man the Lion very lordly, the Sun in His strength that travelleth over the heaven of Nu in His bark in the mid-caree…
1909 · PDF PAGE 20
…n the absence of the prophet Daniel, I shall let the matter slide. Pranayama. 13 cycles. Very tiring; I began to sweat. A mediocre performance. Breakfast. Hatha Yogi—a pear and two gau- frettes. Have been meditating :in Hanged Man position. Thought dull and wandering; yet once “ the concep- tion of the Glowing Fire" seen as a planet (perhaps Mars). Just enough to destroy the concentration ; then it went out, dammit! Have attended to correspondence and other business and drunk a citron pressé. The Voice of the Nadi began to resound. Have done ”B…
1909 · PDF PAGE 49
…m which is ‘of brilliant gold or smoke colour and has sixteen petals correspond— ing to the sixteen vowel sounds,’ one might make a good mantra of the English vowel sounds, or the Hebrew. ”Curiouser and curiouser!” The Yogis identify the Varana (Ganges) with the Ida-Nadi, the Asi (?) with the Pingala—Nadi, and Benares with the space between them. Like my identification of my throat with the Gate of the cimetiere du Montparnasse. Well, it requires very considerable discrimination and a good sound foundation of knowledge, if one means to get any s…
1909 · PDF PAGE 137
I 240. 7-55- 9.20. JOHN ST. ]ΟΗΝ The dead man Ankh-af-na—khonsu Hath parted from the darkling crowds, Hath joined the dwellers of the light, Opening Duant, the star-abodes ; Their keys receiving. The dead man Ankh-af-na-khonsu Hath made his passage into night, His pleasure on the earth to do Among the living. Amen Amen without lie Amen, and Amen of Amen. I shall lie down to sleep in my robes, still wearing the Ring of the Masters, and bearing my wand in my hand. For to me now sleep is the same as waking, and life the same as death. In Thy L.V.X…
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
1 1.35. 6.55. 7.0- 7.16. 7.30. 7.50. 8.5. JOHN ST. JOHN And indeed, though I tried to continue the mantra with its high aspiration to know Adonai, I must have slept almost at once. The Third Day Now the day being gloriously broken, I awoke with some weariness, not feeling clean and happy, not burning with love unto my Lord Adonai, though ashamed indeed for that thrice or four times in the night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate—and my weak will bade it be at ease and take its rest—oh, wretched man! slave of …
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
… 2.25. JOHN ST. JOHN White Brilliance absorbed him, overcame him; for he could not pass therethrough. This went on repeating itself, the man transformed (as it were) into a mighty Battering Ram hurling itself again and again against the Walls of the City of God to breach them.—And as yet he has failed. Failed. Failed. Physical and mental exhaustion are fairly complete. Adonai, look with favour upon Thy slave ! He has walked, reciting the Ritual, to Dr. R and H for lunch. They have forgotten the appoint- ment, so he continues and reaches Lavenue…
1909 · PDF PAGE 104
…e Adept) is the Tamo-Guna, the Power of Elemental Darkness, broken once and for ever, so that His sleep is vivid and rational as another man’s waking; His waking another man’s Samadhi; His Samadhi—to which He ever strives—— ? ? ? ? ? At least this latter view is suggested by the Rosicrucian formula of Reception: May thy mind be open unto the Higher! May thy heart be the Centre of Light ! May thy body be the Temple of the Rosy Cross ! and by the Hindu statement that in the attainedYogin
1909 · PDF PAGE 16
THE EQUINOX 3.41. Began again. I shall take " Hua allalu alazi lailaha illa hua” for mantra [any sacred sentence, whose con- stant repetition produces many strange effects upon the mind.——ED.] if I want one, or : may Adonai reveal unto me a special mantra to invoke Him! 3.51. Broke down again, mantra and all. 352- Went on meditating in “ Hanged Man posture " [Legs 4.14. crossed, arms below head, like the figure of the Hanged Man in the Tarot Gards.—BD.] to formulate sacrifice and pain self—inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a f…
1909 · PDF PAGE 7
…rely our adventures may be as exciting as those of Cortes or Cook! It is for this reason that I invite with confidence the attention of humanity to this record of my journey. But another set of people will find another disappoint~ ment. I am hardly an heroic figure. I am not The Good Young Man That Died. Ido not remain in holy meditation, balanced on my left eyelash, for forty years, restoring ex- hausted nature by a single grain of rice at intervals of several months. You will perceive in these pages a man with all his im- perfections thick upon …
1909 · PDF PAGE 129
… bring me to the End I After writing above, and adding a few touches to the Pantacle, am ready to go to lunch. Arrived at Pantheon, with mantra. Rumpsteak aux pommes soufflées, poire, £2- Evian, and the three Cs. Was meditating on asceticism. John Tweed once told me that Swami Vivekananda, towards the end of his life, wrote a most pathetic letter deploring that his sanctity forbade his “ going on the bust.” What a farce is such sanctity! How much wiser for the man to behave as a man, the God as a God ! This is my real bed-rock objection to the E…
1909 · PDF PAGE 35
…—but I will know Thee as Thou art. It is strange how my cries died down; how I found myself quite involuntarily swinging back to the old mantra that I worked all yesterday. However, I shall try a little longer in the Position of the Hanged Man, although sleep is again attacking me. I am weary, yet content, as if some great thing had indeed happened. But if I lost consciousness— a thing no man can be positive about from the nature of things—it must have happened so quietly that I never knew. Certainly I should not have thought that I had gone on…
1909 · PDF PAGE 86
…truth assumed for the benefit of my biographer I All these strange things suffered and enjoyed for no better purpose than to seem a great man. One cannot express the horror of this thought; it is The thought that murders the soul—and there is no answer to it. So universal is it that it is impossible to prove the contrary. So one must play the man, and master it and kill it utterly, burying it in that putrid hell from which it sprang. Luckily I have dealt with it before, Once when I lived at Paddington J—s and F—r were with me talking, and, when …
1909 · PDF PAGE 97
…t augury. But to—night I am too poor in spirit to hope. Lol I was travelling on the paths of Lamed and of Mem, of Justice and the Hanged Man, and I fell into both the pitfalls thereof. Instead of the Great Balance firmly held, I found only Libra, the house of Venus and of the exaltation of Saturn ; and these evil planets, smiling and frowning, overcame me. And so for the sublime Path of Mem ; instead of that symbol of the Adept, his foot set firmly upon heaven, his whole figure showing forth the Reconciler with the Invisible, I found but the stagn…
1909 · PDF PAGE 5
…liarity with Central Asia would have enabled me to do it quite nicely. One should really have had an attendant Sylph ; and one’s Guru, a man of incredible age and ferocity, should have frequently appeared at the dramatic moment. A gigantic magician on a coal-black steed would have added to the effect : strange voices, uttering formidable things, should have issued from unfathomable caverns. A mountain shaped like a Svastika with 3. Pillar of Flame would have been rather taking; herds of impossible yaks, ghost-dogs, gryphons. . . . But, my good …
1909 · PDF PAGE 19
…vering mortal the Blessed Immortals are swift . . . What then should happen to a persevering Immortal like myself? Trying meditation and mantra. I find thoughts impossible to concentrate; and my Asana, despite various cowardly attempts to "fudge” it, is {rightfully painful. In Hanged Man posture, meditating and willing the Presence of Adonai by the Ritual “Thee I invoke, the Bornless One " and mental formula. I‘rn hopelessly sleepy! Invocation as bad as bad could lae—attention all over the place. Irrational hallu- cinations, such as avision of e…
1909 · PDF PAGE 123
6.27. 7.10. 735- 8.3. 9.10. JOHN ST. JOHN All this time in Hanged Man position, and thinking of everything else. As bad as it was on the very first day! More waste time aimlessly watching a poker game. Walked down to Cafe’ de Versailles. Dinner. Hors d‘CEuvre, Escargots, Cassoulet de Castelnaudary,Glace, 3% Evian. Am quite washed—out. I have not even the courage of despair. There is not enough left in me to despair. I don’t care. One gleam of light illumines the dark path—I can’t enjoy my dinner. The snails, as I prong them forth, are such ugly,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
… altar. The accusation and defence as antiphonies. 5. The journey. Bar and pass, and the 4 visions even as a mighty music. 6. The Hanged Man—the descent of Adonai. 7. The installation—signs, etc. ... Sealing as for opening; but insert Sacrament. During a lunch of 12 oysters, Cépes Bordelaise, Tarte aux Cerises, Cafe Noir, despatched without Yoga or ceremonial, I wrote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don’t think very well. Time must show: also experience. I’d recite Tenny- son if I thought it would give Samadhil Now more mantra,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
JOHN ST. JOHN 3.55. but quite simply, just as anybody else might buy them. In short, I bought them in a truly Rosicrucian manner, according to the custom of the country. I add a few considerations on the grade of Adeptus Major 6°: 5°. (RS—Distinction is to be made between attainment of this grade in the natural and in the spiritual world. The former I long since possessed.) I. It may perhaps mean severe asceticism. In case I should be going out on that path I will try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself. 2. The paths leading to Geburah…
1909 · PDF PAGE 128
…houghts of Zeus and Hades and Poseidon, found that they could not find a fitting image of the All, the supreme —so they just carved a goat-man, saying: Let this represent Pan] Also in the holiest place of the most secret temple there is an empty shrine. But whoso goes there in the first instance thinks ; There is no God. He who goes there at the End, when he has adored all the other deities, knoweth that No God.