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Page 1 of 11909 · PDF PAGE 17
…t may take. Just so, if one goes to call upon a friend, he may be walking or riding or sleeping. Thus, then, is Adonai hidden from me. I know where He lives; I know I shall be welcome if I call; but I do not know whether He will invite me to a banquet or ask me to go out with Him for a long journey. It may be that the Rota. will give me some hint. [We have omitted the details of this divination—En] I am never very content with such divinations ; trust- worthy enough in material concerns, in the things of the Spirit one rarely obtains good resul…
1909 · PDF PAGE 84
… be compatible with the normal consciousness ? Inter- penetrating and illuminating it, if you like; but not destroying it. Well, I don’t know why it shouldn’t be; but I bet it isn‘t! All the spiritual experience I have had argues against such a theory. On the contrary, it will leave the reason quite intact, supreme Lord of its own plane. Mixing up the planes is the sad fate of many a mystic. How many do I know in my own experience who tell me that, obedient to the Heavenly Vision, they will shoot no more rabbits l Thus they found a system on tr…
1909 · PDF PAGE 88
…ere I lie, stripped of all magic force, doubting my own peace and faith, farther from Adonai than ever before—and yet—and yet—- Do I not know that every error is a necessary step in the Path? The longest way round is the shortest way home. But it is disgusting! There‘s a grim humour in it, too. The real Devil of the Operation must be sitting with sardonic grin upon his face, enjoying my perplexity For that Dweller-of-the—Threshold-thought was not as dead as I supposed ; as Iwrite he comes again and again, urging me to quit the Path, to abandon …
1909 · PDF PAGE 65
᾽ΙΟ. JOHN ST. ]ΟΗΝ οί weather, fog, blizzard, blight, by night or day, I know within 5" (usually within 2°) the direction in which I faced when I left that tent or hut. And if I happen to have observed its compass bearing, of course I can deduce North by mere judgment of angle, at which I am very accurate. Further, I keep a mental record, quite unconsciously, of the time occupied on a march ; so that I can always tell the time within five minutes or so without consulting my watch. Further, I have another automatic recorder which maps out distanc…
1909 · PDF PAGE 35
…he chamber of Art ;—and 1? Oh Adonai my Lord, surely I did invoke Thee with fervour; yet Thou camest not utterly to the tryst. And yet I know that Thou wast there; and it may be that the morning may bring remembrance of Thee which this consciousness does not now contain. But I swear by Thine own glory that I will not be satisfied with this, that I will go on even unto madness and death if it be Thy will—but I will know Thee as Thou art. It is strange how my cries died down; how I found myself quite involuntarily swinging back to the old mantra t…
1909 · PDF PAGE 6
… to be but a modification of mind, or (at least) that the two things matter and mind must be joined before either could be perceived. All knowledge comes through the senses, on the one hand ; on the other, it is only through the senses that knowledge comes, We then continue our conquest of matter; and we are getting pretty expert. It took much longer to perfect the telescope than the motor-car. And though, of course, there are limitations, we know enough to be able to predict them. We know in what progression the Power to Speed co— efficient of a…
1909 · PDF PAGE 11
…n as a tree must shoot downwards its roots into the Earth in order that it may flower, and bring forth fruit in its season. So also now I know that even in my months of absorption in worldly pleasure and business, I am not really there, but stand behind, preparing the Event. Imagine me, therefore, if you will, in Paris on the last day of September. How surprised was I—though, had I thought, I should have remembered that it was so—to find all my necessary magical apparatus to my hand! Months before, for quite other reasons, I had moved most of my…
1909 · PDF PAGE 71
…e exuberance of the former can excite the latter. In other words there is probably some first matter of the work which is not anything we know of as bodily. On my return to London, I must certainly put the matter before more experienced mathematicians, and if possible, get a graphic analysis of the kind in- dicated.] How difficult and expensive it is to get drunk, when one is doing magic ! Nothing exhilarates or otherwise affects one. Oh, the pathos and tragedy of those lines : Come where the booze is cheaper ! Come where the pots hold more! How …
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…vestigated. It seems quite certain that meditation-practices profoundly affect the sexual pro— cess : how and why I do not yet certainly know. 2.45. Rubbish! everything perfectly normal. 26 Difficult, though, to keep mantram going. Am sitting on the brink of the big fountain in the Luxembourg. This deadness of the whole system continues. To explain. Normally, if the thought be energetically directed to almost any point in the body, that point is
1909 · PDF PAGE 139
…ings, proper magical food ceremonially prepared, a private garden to walk in . . . and so on. But at least it is useful and important to know that things can be done at a pinch in a great city and a small room. The lunch is good ; the kidneys were well cooked; the tarte aux {raises was excellent; the Burgundy came straight from the Vat of Bacchus. The Coffee and Cognac are beyond all praise; the cigar is the best Cabana I ever smoked. Ι37
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
1 1.35. 6.55. 7.0- 7.16. 7.30. 7.50. 8.5. JOHN ST. JOHN And indeed, though I tried to continue the mantra with its high aspiration to know Adonai, I must have slept almost at once. The Third Day Now the day being gloriously broken, I awoke with some weariness, not feeling clean and happy, not burning with love unto my Lord Adonai, though ashamed indeed for that thrice or four times in the night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate—and my weak will bade it be at ease and take its rest—oh, wretched man! slave of …
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…ise in the mind. The difference is that I am aiming at a target, while they are preventing arrows from striking one. In my aspiration to know Adonai, I resemble their Yogis who concentrate on their “ personal Lord "; but at the same time it must be remembered that I am not going to be content with what would content them. In other words, I am going to de ne " the Knowledge and Conversation of my holy Guardian Angel " as equal to Neroda-Samapatti, the trance of Nibbana. I hope I shall be able to live up to this! Have been practising Asana, etc. …
1909 · PDF PAGE 98
…0.30. 10.40. 10. 57. THE EQUINOX joy, with a delicious awe? I must wash His feet with my tears; I must die at His gateway; I must. . . I know not what. . . Adonai, be Thou tender unto me Thy slave, and keep my footsteps in the Way of Truth! . . . Iwill return and humble myself before the Lord Adonai. Home again ; have done odd necessary things, and am ready to work. I feel slack; and I feel that I have been slack, though probably the Record shows a fair amount of work done. But I am terribly bruised by the Great Fall; these big things leave the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 134
…E EQUINOX down a long putt or a tricky one. Whether it means more than that perception and execution have got into unison (for once) and know it, I cannot say.) It is well that thus should close this eleventh day of my Retirement, and the thirty-third year of my life. Thirty and three years was this templein building. . . . It has always been my custom on this night to look back over the year, and to ask: What have I done? The answer is invariably “ Nothing.” Yet ofwhat men count deeds I have done no small share. I have travelled abit, written …
1909 · PDF PAGE 78
Ι 2.43. 1.25. 76 THE EQUINOX Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel is only to be performed when the Magus has rowed himself completely out; in the language of the Tarot, when the Magus has become the Fool. But for my faith in the Ritual DCLXXI. I should be at the end of my spells. Well? We shall see in the upshot. I really almost begin to believe IT will happen. For I lay down quite free of worry or anxiety (hugging myself, as it were), perfectly sure of Him in the simple non-assertive way that a child is sure of its mother, in …
1909 · PDF PAGE 96
…Restaurant. Ordered 6 oysters, Rable de Lievre poivrade puree de marrons, and Glace “ Casserole” with a small bottle of Perrier Water. I know the New Ritual down to the end of the Con- fession. It was hard to stop the mantra—the moment my thought wandered, up it popped 1 I shall add Cafe Cognac Cigare to this debauch. I continue learning the Ritual. I will return and humble myself before the Lord
1909 · PDF PAGE 48
… write it. [P.S.-But I do so, though less possibly, as I read] As I am really awake, I may as well do a little Prana- yama. How little I know of magic and the conditions of success! My 17 cycles of breath were not absolutely easy; yet I did them. After a big dinner!!! The sweating was quite suppressed, in spite of the heat of the night and the exercise ; and the first symptoms of the Bhuchari-Siddhi—the “jumping about like a frog" ——were well marked. I am encouraged to spend a few minutes (still in Asana) reading the Shiva Sanhita. Asana very pa…
1909 · PDF PAGE 136
…and I beheld in one moment all the mystic visions in one ; and the Holy Graal appeared unto me, and many other inexpressible things were known of me. Also I was given to enjoy the subtle Presence of my Lord interiorly during the whole of this twelfth day. Then Ι besought the Lord that He would take me into His presence eternally even now. But He withdrew Himself, for that I must do that which I was sent hither to do; namely, to rule the earth. Therefore with sweetness ineffable He parted from me ; yet leaving acomfort not to be told, aPeace . .…
1909 · PDF PAGE 121
…e with more reverence and enthusiasm, but without antics—and out comes the Law of Evolution. 50 it is written “ By their fruits ye shall know them" But about this question of spiritual overfeeding—what did Darwin do when he got to the stage (as he did, be sure! many a time) when he wished every pigeon in the world at the devil? Now this wish has never really arisen in John St. John ; however bad he feels, he always feels that Attainment is the only possible way out of it. This is the good Karma of his ten years’ constant striving. Well, in the …