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Page 1 of 51909 · PDF PAGE 101
5.40. 7.45- 8.25. 8.35. 10.25. JOHN ST. JOHN He must do his best. He does not wish to wake too thoroughly, either, lest afterward he oversleep himself, and miss his appointment with Michael Brenner to continue moulding Siddhasana. Again I awake. . . , ]0 swine! thou hast felt in thy- self " Good! Good I the night is broken up nicely; all goes very well ”—and thou hast written “ I ! " Oswine, John St. John! When wilt thou learn that the least stirring of thy smug content is the great Fall from the Plath ?[ It will be best to get up and do some k…
1909 · PDF PAGE 117
9.17. 9-45- ΙΟ.ΙΟ. IO.20. JOHN ST. JOHN And to Thee, and from Thee, Ο thou great god Destiny, there is no appeal. Thou turnest not one hair’s breadth from Thy path appointed. That which ”John St. John" means (else is it a blank name) is that which he must be—and what is that? The issue is with Thee—cannot one wait with fortitude, whether it be for the King’s Banqueting-House or for the Headsman and the Block? Breakfast—croissant, sandwich, 2 coffees. Concen- trating !?#”the Work as well as possible. Arrived at Brenner’s studio. The rest has pro…
1909 · PDF PAGE 114
…iarrhoea, started by the chill of the Ceremony.) He slept from 1.45 (approximately) till now. The mom is cold and damp; rain has fallen. John St. John is horribly tired; the “ control ” is worn to a thread. He takes‘five minutes to make up his mind to go through with it, five more to wash and write this up. And he has a million excuses for not doing Pranayama. 15 Breath-cycles, steady and easy enough. The brain is cool and lucid; but no energy is in it. At least no Sammavayamo, And at present the Superscription on John St. John’s Cross is FAILURE…
1909 · PDF PAGE 3
SPECIAL SUPPLEMENT JOHN ST. JOHN THE RECORD OF THE MAGICAL RETIREMENT OF G. Η. FRATER, ΟΜ
1909 · PDF PAGE 119
12.15 י12.35 1.15. 215 3. 30. 340. JOHN ST. JOHN John St. John is aching all over, cannot get comfort— able anyhow; is hungry, and has no appetite; thirsty, and loathes the thought of drinking! He must do something—something pretty drastic, or he will find himself in serious trouble of body and mind, the shadows of his soul, that is sick unto death. For “ where are now their gods?” Where is the Lord, the Lord Adonai? The beast feels decidedly better; but whether he is more concentrated one may doubt. Honestly, he is now so blind that he cannot t…
1909 · PDF PAGE 95
4.15. 4.40. JOHN STi JOHN accurate! I wrote it and never saw the hellish snarel I ought to have risen up and prepared myself cere- monially as a bride, and waited in the proper magical manner. Also I was too pleased with the Heralds of my Lord’s coming—the vision of Khephra, etc. It was perhaps this subtle self-satisfaction that lost me . . . so I fell to the shocking abyss of last night! The Dweller of the Threshold is never visible until after one has fallen; he is a Veiled God and smites like the Evil Knight in Malory, riding and slaying—and…
1909 · PDF PAGE 121
JOHN ST. JOHN 4.10. Has not John St. John possibly been stuffing himself 5.4. both with Methods and Results? Certainly this morning was more like the engorgement of the stomach with too much food than like the head- ache after a bout of drunkenness. A less grave fault, by far; it is easy and absurd to get a kind of hysterical ecstasy over religion, love, or Wine. A German will take off his hat and dance and jodel to the sunrise—and nothing comes of it! Darwin studies Nature with more reverence and enthusiasm, but without antics—and out comes the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 109
7-35- 7.50. 7.57- 8. 3. 8.12. JOHN ST. JOHN The truth is that the Chittam is excited and racing, the control being impaired; and the Ego is springing up again. This racing of the Chittam is simply shocking. John St. John must stop it somehow. Hours and hours seem to have passed since the last entry. !!! He is in such a deuce of a hurry that (in a lucid moment) he finds himself trying to eat bread, radish, beef and potato at a mouthful. Worse, the beast is pleased and excited at the novelty of the sensation, and takes delight in recording it. Bea…
1909 · PDF PAGE 127
12.33. 1.17. 3.8. 3-30- 8.12. 8.52. 9.14. 11.15. JOHN ST. JOHN And now (12.57) John St. John will turn himself to sleep, invoking Adonai. Can neither sleep nor concentrate. Instead grotesque “ astral ” images of a quite base gargoylish type. I suppose I shall have to pentagram them off like a damned neophyte. je m'emmerde| Praise the Lord, I wake l If that can be called waking which is a mere desperate struggle to keep the eyes open. . Pranayama all wrong—very difficult. Rose, washed, drank a few drops of water. (N.B.—To—night have drunk several…
1909 · PDF PAGE 100
… Will must be wearing down at last! I wake. It takes me a little while to shake off the dominion of sleep, very intense and bitter. Thus John St. John—for it is not convenient further to speak as “I"——-performed 45 Breath-cycles; for 20 minutes he had to struggle against the Root of the Powers of Sleep, and the obstruction of his left nostril. During his Kambhakham he willed Adonai with all his might. Let him sleep, invoking Adonai! Well hath he slept, and well awakened. The last entry should extend to 3.30 or thereabouts; probably later; for, …
1909 · PDF PAGE 108
…ng away all the meaning, until the intuition pierces that blank wall of ignorance. Let O.M. meditate upon this Oracle on his way to feed John St. John‘s body—and thus feed his ownl Out, out, to feed! Trimming his beard in preparation for going out, he reflects that the deplorable tone (as one’s Dean would say) of the last entry is not the cry of the famished beast, but that of the over-driven slave "Adonai, ply Thou thy scourge! Adonai, load Thou the chain l” What the devil is the matter with the time ? The hours flit just like butterflies—the moo…
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
11.30, I 2.20. 12.50. 1.35. 1.45. 2.25. JOHN ST. JOHN White Brilliance absorbed him, overcame him; for he could not pass therethrough. This went on repeating itself, the man transformed (as it were) into a mighty Battering Ram hurling itself again and again against the Walls of the City of God to breach them.—And as yet he has failed. Failed. Failed. Physical and mental exhaustion are fairly complete. Adonai, look with favour upon Thy slave ! He has walked, reciting the Ritual, to Dr. R and H for lunch. They have forgotten the appoint- ment, so…
1909 · PDF PAGE 113
1 1.49. 12.17. 12.55. JOHN ST. JOHN of the Stars from Her paps ; yea, the Milk of the Stars from Her paps." The Ten/14 Day Now that the perfume of the incense is clearly away, one may most potently perceive the Invoked Perfume of the Ceremony Itself. And this mystical perfume of Adonai is like pure Musk, but infinitely subtilised— far stronger, and at the same time far more delicate. (P.S.—-Doubt has arisen about this perfume, as to whether there was not a commonplace cause. On the balance of the evidence, carefully considered, one would pronoun…
1909 · PDF PAGE 107
JOHN ST. JOHN 6.31. failure than he was ready to admit. But the fact stands ; he cannot concentrate his mind for three seconds together. How utterly hopeless it makes one feel! One thinks one is at least always good for a fair average performance—and one is undeceived. This, by the way, is the supreme use of a record like this. It makes it impossible to cheat oneself. Well, he has got to get up more steam somehow, though the boiler bursts. Perhaps early dinner, with Ritual, may induce that Enthusiastic Energy of which the Gnostics write. This m…
1909 · PDF PAGE 105
JOHN ST. JOHN 4.53. the Kundalini sleeps in the Svadistthana, no more in the Muladhara Cakkrfim. See also the Rosicrucian lecture on the Microcosmos, where this view is certainly upheld, the Qliphoth of an Adept being balanced and trained to fill his Malkuth, vacated by the purified Nephesch which has gone up to live in Tiphereth. Or so O.M. read it. The other idea of the Light descending and filling each principle with its glory is, it seems to him, less fertile, and less in accord with any idea of Evolution. (What would Judas McCabbage think ?) A…
1909 · PDF PAGE 61
9. 50. 11.30. 11.50. 125. JOHN ST. JOHN time. Say three and a half hours! Well, if it doesn’t count as Tapas, and Jap, and Yama, and Niyama, and all the rest of it, allI can say is that Ithink They don’t play fair. Iwill now go and get something to eat, and (God willing) on my return settle down to real work, for I need daylight to copy my Ritual. A sandwich and two coffees at the Versailles and a citron pressé at the Dome, some little chatter with M—e, Β e, H s, and others. In fact, I’m a lazy unconcentrated hound. I started Mantra again, thou…
1909 · PDF PAGE 115
JOHN ST. JOHN 6.5!. shivering and sad, like a sot who has tried to get credit at a tavern and is turned away—and that on Christmas Eve! There is no money in his purse, no steam in his boilers —that’s what’s the matter with John St. John. It is clear enough, what happened yesterday. He failed at the Four Pylons in turn ; in the morning Fear stopped him at that of Horus and so on; while in the evening he either failed at the Pylon of Thoth, i.e., was obsessed by the necessity (alleged) of recording his results, or failed to overcome the duality o…
1909 · PDF PAGE 141
11.15. 11.35. JOHN ST. JOHN ambrosial air, I was nigh falling for that intense sweet- ness that dissolved away the soul. Even as a lover that swoons with excess of pleasure at the first kiss of the beloved, even so was I, oh my Lord Adonai ! Wherefore I am come hither to my chamber to enflame myself in praying at the Altar that I have set up. And I am ready, robed, armed, anointed . . . Ardesco ! The Thirteenth Day. It is Eight o’clock in the morning. Being entered into the Silence, let me abide in the Silence! AMEN I39
1909 · PDF PAGE 98
…t they hurt the Self, and later that is reflected into the lower parts of the man as insanity or death. I must attain, or . . . an end of John St. John. An end of him, one way or the other, then l Good-bye, John ! Ten minutes wasted in sheer mooning! I’m getting worse every minute. Fooled away ten minutes more! Humiliation enough! For though I made the cross with Blood and Flame, I cannot even remain concen- trated in humiliation, which yet I feel so acutely. What a wormy worm I am! I tried the new strict Siddhasana, only to find that Ι had hurt …
1909 · PDF PAGE 129
1.5. 1.25. 1.45. JOHN ST. JOHN So also I go through all the Ritual, and try all the Means; at the End it may be I shall find No rituals and No means, but an act or a silence so simple that it cannot be told or understood. Lord Adonai, bring me to the End I After writing above, and adding a few touches to the Pantacle, am ready to go to lunch. Arrived at Pantheon, with mantra. Rumpsteak aux pommes soufflées, poire, £2- Evian, and the three Cs. Was meditating on asceticism. John Tweed once told me that Swami Vivekananda, towards the end of his life…