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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 16
…one, or : may Adonai reveal unto me a special mantra to invoke Him! 3.51. Broke down again, mantra and all. 352- Went on meditating in “ Hanged Man posture " [Legs 4.14. crossed, arms below head, like the figure of the Hanged Man in the Tarot Gards.—BD.] to formulate sacrifice and pain self—inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a few minutes at a time in a position long since“ conquered." For this reason too I cut again the Cross of Blood ; and now a third time will I do it. And I will take out the Magical Knife and sharpen it yet…
1909 · PDF PAGE 19
…tra. I find thoughts impossible to concentrate; and my Asana, despite various cowardly attempts to "fudge” it, is {rightfully painful. In Hanged Man posture, meditating and willing the Presence of Adonai by the Ritual “Thee I invoke, the Bornless One " and mental formula. I‘rn hopelessly sleepy! Invocation as bad as bad could lae—attention all over the place. Irrational hallu- cinations, such as avision of either Eliphaz Levi or my father (I can’t swear which I) at the most solemn moment! But the irrational character of said visions is not bad. …
1909 · PDF PAGE 123
6.27. 7.10. 735- 8.3. 9.10. JOHN ST. JOHN All this time in Hanged Man position, and thinking of everything else. As bad as it was on the very first day! More waste time aimlessly watching a poker game. Walked down to Cafe’ de Versailles. Dinner. Hors d‘CEuvre, Escargots, Cassoulet de Castelnaudary,Glace, 3% Evian. Am quite washed—out. I have not even the courage of despair. There is not enough left in me to despair. I don’t care. One gleam of light illumines the dark path—I can’t enjoy my dinner. The snails, as I prong them forth, are such ugly,…
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
… At the altar. The accusation and defence as antiphonies. 5. The journey. Bar and pass, and the 4 visions even as a mighty music. 6. The Hanged Man—the descent of Adonai. 7. The installation—signs, etc. ... Sealing as for opening; but insert Sacrament. During a lunch of 12 oysters, Cépes Bordelaise, Tarte aux Cerises, Cafe Noir, despatched without Yoga or ceremonial, I wrote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don’t think very well. Time must show: also experience. I’d recite Tenny- son if I thought it would give Samadhil Now more …
1909 · PDF PAGE 20
…cles. Very tiring; I began to sweat. A mediocre performance. Breakfast. Hatha Yogi—a pear and two gau- frettes. Have been meditating :in Hanged Man position. Thought dull and wandering; yet once “ the concep- tion of the Glowing Fire" seen as a planet (perhaps Mars). Just enough to destroy the concentration ; then it went out, dammit! Have attended to correspondence and other business and drunk a citron pressé. The Voice of the Nadi began to resound. Have done ”Bornless One ” in Asana. Good; yet I am filled with utter despair at the hopelessness…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
…oing out on that path I will try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself. 2. The paths leading to Geburah are from Hod, that of the Hanged Man, andfrom Tiphereth, that of Justice, both equilibrated aspects of Severity, the one implying Self—Sacrifice, the other involuntary suffering. One is Free- will, the other Karma; and that in a wider sense than that of Suffering. The Ritual DCLXXI will still be applicable: indeed, it may be considered sufficient; but of course it must be lived as well as per- formed. (1 must here complain of serious tr…
1909 · PDF PAGE 49
…, if one means to get any sense at all out of these Hindu books. A little Pranayama, I think. Can’t get steady and easy at all! Will try Hanged Man again. Not much good. The mantra goes on, but without getting hold of the Cakkrarn. ’Tis difficult to explain ; the best simile I can get is that of a motor running with the clutch out; or of a man cycling on a susPended machine. There's no grip to it. 47
1909 · PDF PAGE 67
…the Elixir! Wrote two pages; the previous were not really dry; so I must wait a little before illuminating. I will rest—if I can! In the Hanged Man posture. I soon went to sleep and stayed there. It is useless to persist. . . . Yet I persist. I was so shockingly cold that I went to the Dome and had milk, coffee, and sandwich, eaten in Yogin manner. x 65
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
…pear and two Garibaldis. (These by the way are the small size, half the big squares) Have smoked a pipe to show that I'm not in a hurry. Hanged Man with mantra in Visuddhi. Thought I had been much longer. At one point the Spirit began to move—how the devil else can Ι express it? The consciousness seemed to flow, instead of pattering. Is that clear? One should here note that there may perhaps be some essential difference in the Operation of the Moslem and Hindu mantrams. The latter boom; the former ripple. I have never tried the former at all ser…
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
… the Frontispiece and Colophon. He is very weary, and may sleep. He has done the illumination, as far as may be. He will now lie down as Hanged Man, and invoke Adonai. 101
1909 · PDF PAGE 21
…fectly ready for illumination, if only because I am so perfectly dark. Yet my power to create magical images is still with me. ' I 1.40— Hanged Man posture. Will invoke Adonai once more 12.0. by pure thought Got into a very curious state indeed ; part of me being quite perfectly asleep, and part quite perfectly awake. . Have slept, and that soundly, though with many dreams. Awaking with the utmost horror and loath- ing of the Path of the VVise—it seemed somehow like a vast dragon—demon with bronze green wings irides- cent that rose up startled …
1909 · PDF PAGE 116
…d in the local newspaper. There is no getting away from that! Failure! Failure! Failure! Now then let me (7.35) take the position of the Hanged Man and invoke Adonai. Probably sleep returned shortly. Not a good night, though dreamless, so far as memory serves. The rain comes wearily down, not chasing the dryness, but soddening the streets. The rain of autumn, not the rain of spring! So is it in this soul, Lord Adonai. The thought of Thee is heavy and uneasy, flabby and loose, like an old fat woman stupid-drunk in her slum; which was as a young m…
1909 · PDF PAGE 36
…at definite experience in the very same sense as Abramelin had it; and what’s more, I mean to go on till I get it. I begin, therefore, in Hanged Man posture, to invoke the Angel, within the Pyramid already duly prepared by DCLXXI. Alas! in vain have I tried even the supreme ritual of Awaiting the Beloved, although once I thought Ah ! give unto Thy beloved in sleep! How ashamed I should be, though! For an earthly lover one would be on tiptoe of excitement, trembling at every sound, eager, afraid . . . I will, however, rise and open (as for a symb…
1909 · PDF PAGE 47
…, close and hot, with a little fog; and, one may suspect, the air is overcharged with electricity. I will rest quietly with my mantra as Hanged Man, and perhaps sleep for a little. . No sleep—no rest for the wicked! ’Tis curious how totally independent is mantra-yoga of reverie. I can say my mantra vigorously while my thought wanders all over the world; yetI cannot write the simplest sentence without stopping it, unless with a very great effort, and then it is not satisfactory to either party! Meditation—~of the " rational ” sort—on this leads …
1909 · PDF PAGE 24
… Gaufrette and drunk a little water, in case the headache is from hunger. (P.S.—It was so; the food cured it at once.) I now lie down as Hanged Man and say mantra in Visuddhi. I must really note the curious confusion in my mind between the Visuddhi Cakkram and that part of the Boulevard Edgar Quinet which opens on to the cemetery. It seems an identity. In trying to look at the Cakkram, I saw that. Query: What is the connection, which appeared absolute and essential? I had been specially im- pressed by that gate two days ago, with its knot of mo…
1909 · PDF PAGE 74
… gono Iadapiel. elonusaha cælazod. 1 rule above ye, said the Lord of Lords, exalted in power. [From Dr. Dee's MSS.—ED.] Will now try the Hanged Man again. Very Vigorous and good, my willing of Adonai. . . . I should like to explain the difficulty. It would be easy enough to form a magical Image of Adonai; and He would doubtless inform it. But it would only be an Image. This. may be the meaning of the command- ment “Thou shalt not make any graven image,” etc., just as “ Thou shalt not have any other Gods but me" implies single-minded devotion (Ek…
1909 · PDF PAGE 27
…nued the mantra throughout, which much alleviated the torture of massage. But I could not get steady and easy in my Asana or even in the Hanged Man or Shavasana, the “ corpse-position." I think the heat is exciting, and makes me restless. I continue in the cooling-room lying down. I have ordered !2 oysters and coffee and bread and butter. O oysters! be ye unto me strength that I formulate the 12 rays of the Crown of HVA! I conjure ye, and very potently command. Even by Him who ruleth Life from the Throne of Tahuti unto the Abyss of Amennti, eve…
1909 · PDF PAGE 72
…come out of it either an Adept or a maniac. Thank the Lord for that! It saves trouble. Undressed and robed. Will do an Aspiration in the Hanged Man position, hoping to feel rested and fit by midnight. The Incense has arrived from London; and I feel its magical effects most favourable. Ο creature of Incense! I conjure thee by Him that sitteth upon the Holy Throne and liveth and reigneth for ever as the Balance of Righteousness and Truth, that thou comfort and exalt my soul with Thy sweet perfume, that I may be utterly devoted to this Work of the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 83
…have the sleeping Babe of Bethlehem. A fulfilment, not a destroying, of the Law. Am at home again. I will lie down in the Position of the Hanged Man, and await the coming of my Lord. Arisen again to go out to dinner. Iwas half-asleep some of the time. Dinner—Hers d’GEuvre—Tripes a la Mode de Caen— Filet de Porc—Glace—g Graves. Oh, how the world Y 81
1909 · PDF PAGE 35
…e involuntarily swinging back to the old mantra that I worked all yesterday. However, I shall try a little longer in the Position of the Hanged Man, although sleep is again attacking me. I am weary, yet content, as if some great thing had indeed happened. But if I lost consciousness— a thing no man can be positive about from the nature of things—it must have happened so quietly that I never knew. Certainly I should not have thought that I had gone on for 25 minutes, as I did. But I do indeed ask for a Knowledge and Conversa- tion of the Holy Gu…