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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 84
… over, I go on as I am in calm faith and love. Why should I expect a catastrophic effect? Why should not the circumstances of Union with God be compatible with the normal consciousness ? Inter- penetrating and illuminating it, if you like; but not destroying it. Well, I don’t know why it shouldn’t be; but I bet it isn‘t! All the spiritual experience I have had argues against such a theory. On the contrary, it will leave the reason quite intact, supreme Lord of its own plane. Mixing up the planes is the sad fate of many a mystic. How many do I k…
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
…bark in the mid-career of Day. For all these thoughts are vain; there is but One thought, though that thought be not yet born—He only is God, and there is none other God than Hel Walking home with mantra; suddenly a spasm of weeping took me as I cried through the manna—" My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?”—and I have to stop and put it down I A good thing; for it calms me. At the Dome, master of myself. The Mantra goes just 30 times a minute, 1800 times an hour, 43,200 times a day. To say it a million times would take longer than Mrs. G…
1909 · PDF PAGE 68
…ent it seems incredible that it should happen—I think we may change the subject. . . . . What a fool I am, by the way! Isay that " He is God, and that there is no other God than He” 1800 times an hour; but I don‘t think it even once a day. All my energy has suddenly come back. Was it that Hatha—Yoga sandwich? I go on copying the Ritual. Copying finished. I will go and dine, and learn it by heart, humbly and thoughtfully. The illumination of it can be finished, with a little luck, in two more days. I am disinclined to use the Ritual until it is be…
1909 · PDF PAGE 128
… in the holiest place of the most secret temple there is an empty shrine. But whoso goes there in the first instance thinks ; There is no God. He who goes there at the End, when he has adored all the other deities, knoweth that No God.
1909 · PDF PAGE 130
…things) an attempt to prove the proposition : Reward is the direct and immediate consequence of Work. Of all the holy illuminated Men of God of my acquaintance, I am the only one that holds this opinion. But I think that this Record, when I have time to go through it, and stand at some distance, to get the per— spective, will be proved a conclusive proof of my thesis. I think that every failure will be certainly traceable to my own dam foolishness; every little success to courage, skill, wit, tenacity. IfI had but a little more of these! I furt…
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
…ing itself, the man transformed (as it were) into a mighty Battering Ram hurling itself again and again against the Walls of the City of God to breach them.—And as yet he has failed. Failed. Failed. Physical and mental exhaustion are fairly complete. Adonai, look with favour upon Thy slave ! He has walked, reciting the Ritual, to Dr. R and H for lunch. They have forgotten the appoint- ment, so he continues and reaches Lavenue’s at 12.4 after reading his letters and doing one or two necessary things. He orders Epinards, Tarte aux Praises, Glace …
1909 · PDF PAGE 62
12.5. 12.15. 12.35. 12.45. 60 THE EQUINOX Holy Illuminated Man of God our Greatly Honoured Prater, O.M., Adeptus Exemptus 7°=4° Brother-Elect of the Most Secret and Sublime Order A A He does with great difficulty (and no interior perform— ance) just four breath-cycles. Somebody once remarked that it had taken a hundred million years to produce me ; I may add that I hope it will be another hundred million before God makes such another cur. Have performed the Equilibrating Ritual of the Scourge, the Dagger, and the Chain; with the Holy Anointing O…
1909 · PDF PAGE 116
…114 than ever! The brain is in revolt; it has been com- pressed too long. Yet it is impossible to rest. It is too late. The Irresistible God, whose name is Destiny, has been invoked, and He hath answered. The matter is in His hands; He must end it, either with that mighty spiritual Experience which I have sought, or else with black madness, or with death. By the Body of God, swear thou that death would come— welcome, welcome, welcome!
1909 · PDF PAGE 117
9.17. 9-45- ΙΟ.ΙΟ. IO.20. JOHN ST. JOHN And to Thee, and from Thee, Ο thou great god Destiny, there is no appeal. Thou turnest not one hair’s breadth from Thy path appointed. That which ”John St. John" means (else is it a blank name) is that which he must be—and what is that? The issue is with Thee—cannot one wait with fortitude, whether it be for the King’s Banqueting-House or for the Headsman and the Block? Breakfast—croissant, sandwich, 2 coffees. Concen- trating !?#”the Work as well as possible. Arrived at Brenner’s studio. The rest has pro…
1909 · PDF PAGE 33
…ws His man, though, if He thinks He can insult me with impunity. Andre, un sandwich l [Beyt Allah, the Mosque at Mecca, means " House of God ”—ED.] I shall stop mantra while I eat, so as to concentrate (a) on the chewing, (b) on defiling the House of God. Not so easy! the damned thing runs on like a prairie fire. Important then to stop it absolutely at will : even the Work itself may become an obsession. I 1 hours with no real break—not bad. The bad part of to-day seems the Asana, and the deadness. Or, perhaps worse, I fail to apprehend the true …
1909 · PDF PAGE 129
…ng that his sanctity forbade his “ going on the bust.” What a farce is such sanctity! How much wiser for the man to behave as a man, the God as a God ! This is my real bed-rock objection to the Eastern systems. They decry all manly virtue as dangerous , and wicked; and they look upon Nature as evil. True enough, everything is evil relatively to Adonai ; for all stain is impurity. A bee’s swarm is evil—inside one’s clothes. “Dirt is matter in the wrong place." It is dirt to connect sex with statuary, morals with art. Only Adonai, who is in a sen…
1909 · PDF PAGE 45
… throughout the whole operation, a thing that has not happened to me for near eight years. I hope I’ve got a good one at last—yes, thank God ! this one writes decently.) 43
1909 · PDF PAGE 81
… one has attained, mistaking the Qliphoth for Kether. 2. In keeping the vow “I will interpret every phenomenon as aparticular dealing of God with my soul " the mere animal actions are the most resistant. One cannot see the nature of the phenomenon; it seems so un- important; one is inclined to despise it. Hence I enter it in the record as a correc- tive. 79
1909 · PDF PAGE 41
… the Lightning Flash strikes him. The Lord hath descended from heaven with a shout and with the Voice of the Archangel, and the trump of God. He is installed in the Throne of the Double Kingdom, and he wields the Wand of Double Power by the signs of the grade. He is recognised an initiate, and the word of Secret Power, and the silent administration of the Sacrament of Sword and Flame, acknowledge him. Then, the words being duly spoken and the deeds duly done, all is symbolically sealed by the Thirty Voices, and the Word that vibrateth from the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 12
… ofthe grades from 0° =o°to7": 4°. Then did I take upon myself the Great Obligation as follows : I. I, O.M. &c., a member of the Body of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the whole Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering: II. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order: III. that I will understand all things : IVA that I will love all things: ᾽ V. that I will perform all things and endure all things: VI. that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of My Holy Guardian Angel: VII…
1909 · PDF PAGE 89
…readily and visibly; Thoth in particularas friendly as ever—I fancy He takes this record as a compliment to Him—He’s welcome to it, poor God! The L.V.X. came, too; but not enough to pierce the awful shroud of darkness that by my folly I have woven for myself. So at the end I found myself on the floor, so like Rodin’s Cruche Cassée Danaide girl as never was . . . As I ought to have been in the beginning] Well, one thing I got (again !), that is, that when all is said and done, I am that I am, and all these thoughts of mine, angels and devils both…
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…tl The torture of it! I slept in patches as a man sleeps that is deadly ill. I am only afraid of failing to wake for the End of the day. God! what a day! . . . I dare not trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I did 21 Breath-cy…
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…oaching Adonai that for six days I had evoked Him in vain. . . . I got the reply, “ The Seventh Day shall be the Sabbath of the Lord thy God.” So mote it be! T/æ Seven/ll Day. I began this great day with Eight breath—cycles; was stopped by the indigestion trouble in its other form. (P.S.—Evidently the introduction of the Cascara into my sensitive aura made its action instantaneous.) My breathing passages were none too clear, either ; I have evidently taken a chill. Now, O my Lord Adonai, thou Self-Glittering One, wilt Thou not manifest unto Thy…
1909 · PDF PAGE 95
… so I fell to the shocking abyss of last night! The Dweller of the Threshold is never visible until after one has fallen; he is a Veiled God and smites like the Evil Knight in Malory, riding and slaying—and no man seeth him. But when you are tumbled headlong into Hell, where he lives, then he unveils his Face, and blasts you with its horror! Very good, John St. John, now you knowl You are plain John St. John, and you have to climb right up again through the paths to the Threshold; and remember this time to mortify that self-satisfaction! G0 at …
1909 · PDF PAGE 36
…ight of this day to construct from DCLXXI a perfect ritual of self-initiation, so as to avoid the constant difficulty of assuming various God-forms. Then let that ritual be a constant and perfect link between Us . . . so that at all times I may be perfect in Thy Knowledge and Conversation, Ο mine Holy Guardian Angel! to whom I have aspired these ten years past. And though as it may seem I now compose myself to sleep, I await Thee . . . I await Thee! I arise from sleep, mine eyes a little weary, my soul fresh, my heart restored.