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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 129
1.5. 1.25. 1.45. JOHN ST. JOHN So also I go through all the Ritual, and try all the Means; at the End it may be I shall find No rituals and No means, but an act or a silence so simple that it cannot be told or understood. Lord Adonai, bring me to the End I After writing above, and adding a few touches to the Pantacle, am ready to go to lunch. Arrived at Pantheon, with mantra. Rumpsteak aux pommes soufflées, poire, £2- Evian, and the three Cs. Was meditating on asceticism. John Tweed once told me that Swami Vivekananda, towards the end of his life…
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
…lowing myself some irregularities in the way of occasional omission 01 a Kambhakham. ’Tis very hard to stick to it. I find myself, at the end of above sentence, automatically crawling into bed. No, John! Have been trying to extract some sense from that extraordinary treatise on mysticism, “ Konx Om Pax." Another failure, but an excusable one. I will now beseech Adonai as best I may to give me back my lost powers. For I am no more even a magician! So lost am I in the illusions that I have made in the Search for Adonai, that I am become the vilest…
1909 · PDF PAGE 98
…, with a delicious awe? I must wash His feet with my tears; I must die at His gateway; I must. . . I know not what. . . Adonai, be Thou tender unto me Thy slave, and keep my footsteps in the Way of Truth! . . . Iwill return and humble myself before the Lord Adonai. Home again ; have done odd necessary things, and am ready to work. I feel slack; and I feel that I have been slack, though probably the Record shows a fair amount of work done. But I am terribly bruised by the Great Fall; these big things leave the body and mind no worse, apparently …
1909 · PDF PAGE 96
…s nearly as much part of me as my head by now; and instead repeat over and over again the words of the Ritual so that I can do it in the end with perfect fluency and comprehension. And this time may Adonai build the House! Instead I met Dr. R , who kindly offered to teach me how to obtain astral visions! (P.S.—The tone of this entry wrongs me. I sat patiently and reverently, like a Mela with his gum, hoping to hear the Word I needed.) Thence I went my long and lonely walk to my Secret Restaurant, learning the Ritual as I went. Arrived at the Sec…
1909 · PDF PAGE 127
…a, using my recently invented method of doing Prana— yarna on the march. The weather is again perfect. Breakfast—~eaten Yogin-wise—at an end. The walk begins. The walk over. Kept mantra going well enough. 125
1909 · PDF PAGE 91
…s that I have here recorded, instead of remaining fixed in the single stronghold of Unity with Myself. And so this great day draws to its end. These are indeed the Qliphoth, the Qliphoth of Kether, the Thaumiel, twin giant heads that hate and tear each other. For the horror and darkness have been unbelievable; yet again, the light and brilliance have been almost in- supportable. I was never so far, and never so near . . . But the hour approaches. Let me collect myself, and begin the new day in affirmation of my Unity with my Lord Adonai I The Ei…
1909 · PDF PAGE 128
…Adonai. Of course we are now reduced to a “low anthropo- morphic conception ”—but what odds ? Once the Right Thought comes it will transcend any and all conceptions. The objection is as silly as the objection to illustrating Geometry by Diagrams, on the ground that printed lines are thick—and so on. This is the imbecility of the “ Protestant " objection to images. What fools these mortals be! The Greeks, too, after exhausting all their sublimest thoughts of Zeus and Hades and Poseidon, found that they could not find a fitting image of the All, th…
1909 · PDF PAGE 89
…. Closing formulae. Το work, then ! The ceremony went well enough; the forces invoked came readily and visibly; Thoth in particularas friendly as ever—I fancy He takes this record as a compliment to Him—He’s welcome to it, poor God! The L.V.X. came, too; but not enough to pierce the awful shroud of darkness that by my folly I have woven for myself. So at the end I found myself on the floor, so like Rodin’s Cruche Cassée Danaide girl as never was . . . As I ought to have been in the beginning] Well, one thing I got (again !), that is, that when a…
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…. The shame of itl The torture of it! I slept in patches as a man sleeps that is deadly ill. I am only afraid of failing to wake for the End of the day. God! what a day! . . . I dare not trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I …
1909 · PDF PAGE 135
…rstanded of me; for it is, though I knew it not, a complete scheme of this Operation. For this cause I will add this book Ararita at the end of the Manuscript. [This has not been permitted. The Book Ararita will be issued by the Α.“. Α:. in due course—En] I also demanded of mine Angel the Writing upon the Lamen of Silver; 21 Writing of the veritable Elixir and supernal Dew. And it was granted unto me. Then subtly, easily, simply, imperceptibly gliding, I passed away into nothing. And I was wrapped in the black brilliance of my Lord, that interp…
1909 · PDF PAGE 26
…g slowly with my mantra. I am'beginningto forget it occasion- ally, mispronouncing some of the words. A good sign! Now and then I tried sending it up and down my spine, with good effect. I will drink a cup of coffee and then proceed to the Hammam. This may ease my limbs, and afford an opportunity for a real go-for-the—gloves effort to con- centrate. It cannot be too clearly understood that nearly all the work hitherto has been preliminary; the intention is to get the Chittam (thought-stuff) flowing evenlyin one direction. Also one practises deta…
1909 · PDF PAGE 99
…esire; but no “ jumping about like a frog” or levitation. A pity ! I shall read for a little in the Yoga-Shastra as a rest. Then for the end of the day and the Beginning of the Ninth Day. Zoroaster (or Pythagoras ?) informs us that the number Nine is sacred, and attains the summit of Philosophy. I’m sure I hope so! I get into Asana . . . and so endeth the Eighth Lesson. The Ninth Day Thus I began this great day, being in my Asana firm and easy, and holding in my breath for a full minute while I threw my will with all my might towards Adonai. Hav…
1909 · PDF PAGE 106
4.53. 6.7. י6.23 6.3L 104 THE EQUINOX not hopelessly, not fearfully, but with an abiding certainty that he would endure unto the end. And now ? In this great Magical Retirement he has struck many rocks, sprung many leaks ; the waters of the False Sea foam over the bow, ride and carry the quarter—is he perchance already wrecked, his hopeless plight con- cealed from him as yet by his own darkness? For, dazzled as he is by the blinding brilliance of this morning’s Spiritual Sun, which yet he beheld but darkly, to him now even the light of earth se…
1909 · PDF PAGE 116
THE EQUINOX 6.51. in the pavilion. But thy friends have heard that story 9.0. before, and thy explanation will not appear in the score. Mr.]. SI./ohn, ὀ. Maya, 0, they will read in the local newspaper. There is no getting away from that! Failure! Failure! Failure! Now then let me (7.35) take the position of the Hanged Man and invoke Adonai. Probably sleep returned shortly. Not a good night, though dreamless, so far as memory serves. The rain comes wearily down, not chasing the dryness, but soddening the streets. The rain of autumn, not the rain…
1909 · PDF PAGE 117
…coffees. Concen- trating !?#”the Work as well as possible. Arrived at Brenner’s studio. The rest has produced one luminous idea: why not end it all with destruction ? Say a great ritual of Geburah, curses, curses, curses! John St. John ought not to have forgotten how to curse. In his early days at Wastdale Head people would travel miles to hear him! Curse all the Gods and all the demons—all those things in short which go to make up John St. John. For timi—as he now knows—is the Name of the great Enemy, the Dweller upon the Threshold. It was tha…
1909 · PDF PAGE 78
…pletely out; in the language of the Tarot, when the Magus has become the Fool. But for my faith in the Ritual DCLXXI. I should be at the end of my spells. Well? We shall see in the upshot. I really almost begin to believe IT will happen. For I lay down quite free of worry or anxiety (hugging myself, as it were), perfectly sure of Him in the simple non-assertive way that a child is sure of its mother, in a state of pleased expectancy, my thoughts quite suppressed in an intent listening, as it were for the noise of the wind of His chariot, as it …
1909 · PDF PAGE 52
…Then how aspire? Who is it that standeth in the Moon-Ray? The Holy Guardian Angel. Aye! Ο my Lord Adonai, Thou art the Beginning and the End of the Path. For as Thou?התאthou art also 406 =?ותTau the material world, the Omega. And as He mn Thou art 12, the rays of the Ineffable Crown. (A disaster has occurred; viz., a sudden and violent attack of that which demands a tabloid of Pepsin, Bis- muth, and Charcoal—and gets it. On my return, [1.34, I continue.) And as?ינאAni “I” thou art also?ויאthe Negative, that is beyond these on either side! But t…
1909 · PDF PAGE 69
…e rest go—as—you-please would be enough. I am well punished. This food, eaten in aYogin and ceremonial manner, is doing me good. I shall end, God willing, with coffee, cognac, and cigar. It is a fatal error to knock the body to pieces and leave the consciousness intact, as has been the case with me all day. It is true that some people find that if they hurt the body, they make the mind unstable. True ; they predispose it to hallu- cination. One should use strictly corporeal methods to tame the body; strictly mental methods to control the mind. T…
1909 · PDF PAGE 132
…ngs ; not separate from them, or from me; but That which is behind the shadow—show, the Cause of all, the Quintessence of All, the Transcender of all. And Thee I seek insistently; though Thou hide Thy- self in the Heaven, there will I seek Thee out ; though Thou wrap Thyself in the Flames οἵthe Abyss, even there will I pursue Thee; Though Thou make Thee a secret place in the Heart of the Rose or at the Arms of the Cross that spanneth all-embracing Space; though Thou be in the inmost part of matter, or behind the Veil of mind; Thee will I follow…
1909 · PDF PAGE 63
JOHN ST. JOHN 12.45. one’s body. So, too, I think, for the highest spiritual work ; for that Work extends from Malkuth to Kether. Here is the great value of the rationalistic Eastern systems. [P.S. Of course scientifically worked with pencil, note-book, and stop-watch. The Yogi is usually in practice just as vague a dreamer as the mystic] They keep one always balanced by common sense. One might go off on lines of pleasing illusion for years, until one was lost on the ”Astral Plane.” All this, observe, is very meaningless, very vague at the best.…