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Page 1 of 41909 · PDF PAGE 112
…y discover through what error he is thus betrayed again and again into failure. Failure. Failure. The Temple is closed. Now then, Ο Lord Adonai! Let the Tenth Day be favourable unto 0. Mi For in the struggle he is as nothing worth. Nor valiant, nor fortunate, nor skilful —except Thou fight by his side, cover his breast with Thy shield, second his blows with Thy spear and with Thy sword. Aye! let the Ninth Day close in silence and in dark- ness, and let 0. M. be found watching and waiting and willing Thy Presence. Adonai! Adonai! Ο Lord Adonai! L…
1909 · PDF PAGE 100
…tes he had to struggle against the Root of the Powers of Sleep, and the obstruction of his left nostril. During his Kambhakham he willed Adonai with all his might. Let him sleep, invoking Adonai! Well hath he slept, and well awakened. The last entry should extend to 3.30 or thereabouts; probably later; for, invoking Adonai, he again got the beginnings of the Light, and the “telephone-cross" voices very strongly. But this time he was fortunately able to concentrate on Adonai with some fervour, and these things ceased to trouble. But the Perfume …
1909 · PDF PAGE 120
…red from entering the Path by the foolish talk of the ignorant, and thus may flowers be lost that should go to make the fadelesswreath of Adonai. Ah, Lord, pluck me up utterly by the root, and set that which Thou pluckest as a flower upon Thy brow! Walked back to the Dome to drink a citron presse through the lovely gardens, sad with their fallen leaves. Reflecting on what Dr. Henry Maudsley once wrote to him about mysticism “ Like other bad habits (he might have said ‘Like all living beings‘) it grows by what it feeds on.” Most important, then, to…
1909 · PDF PAGE 97
JOHN ST. JOHN 8.40. Adonai. It is near the night of the Full Moon ; in my life the Full Moon hath ever been of great augury. But to—night I am too poor in spirit to hope. Lol I was travelling on the paths of Lamed and of Mem, of Justice and the Hanged Man, and I fell into both the pitfalls thereof. Instead of the Great Balance firmly held, I found only Libra, the house of Venus and of the exaltation of Saturn ; and these evil planets, smiling and frowning, overcame me. And so for the sublime Path of Mem ; instead of that symbol of the Adept, his…
1909 · PDF PAGE 61
…oncentrated hound. I started Mantra again, though ; of course it goes quite easily. Undressed, and the mantra going, and the Will toward Adonai less unapparent. To—day I began ill, full of spiritual pride—look at the records of my early hours! One might have thought me a great master of magic 10fti1y condescending to explain a few elementary truths suited to the capacity of his disciples. The fact is that I am a toad, ugly and venomous, and HI do wear a precious jewel in my hand, that jewel is Adonai, and—well, come to think of it, I am Adonai.…
1909 · PDF PAGE 129
…; at the End it may be I shall find No rituals and No means, but an act or a silence so simple that it cannot be told or understood. Lord Adonai, bring me to the End I After writing above, and adding a few touches to the Pantacle, am ready to go to lunch. Arrived at Pantheon, with mantra. Rumpsteak aux pommes soufflées, poire, £2- Evian, and the three Cs. Was meditating on asceticism. John Tweed once told me that Swami Vivekananda, towards the end of his life, wrote a most pathetic letter deploring that his sanctity forbade his “ going on the bus…
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
…ract some sense from that extraordinary treatise on mysticism, “ Konx Om Pax." Another failure, but an excusable one. I will now beseech Adonai as best I may to give me back my lost powers. For I am no more even a magician! So lost am I in the illusions that I have made in the Search for Adonai, that I am become the vilest of them all! A strange and unpleasant experience. My thought suddenly transmuted itself into a muscular cry, so that my legs gave a violent jerk. This I expect is at bottom the explanation of the Bhuchari—Siddhi. A very bad f…
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
…e Walls of the City of God to breach them.—And as yet he has failed. Failed. Failed. Physical and mental exhaustion are fairly complete. Adonai, look with favour upon Thy slave ! He has walked, reciting the Ritual, to Dr. R and H for lunch. They have forgotten the appoint- ment, so he continues and reaches Lavenue’s at 12.4 after reading his letters and doing one or two necessary things. He orders Epinards, Tarte aux Praises, Glace au Café, and % Evian. The distaste for food is great; and for meat amounts to loathing. The weather is exceedingly…
1909 · PDF PAGE 46
…have been fooling about with too many odd things, necessary as they may have been. I had better take a solid hour willing the Tryst with Adonai. Have done all this, and a Work of Kindness. I will again revise the new ritual, dine, return and copy it fair for use. Let Adonai the Lord oversee the Work, that it be per- fect, a sure link with Him, a certain and infallible Conjuration, and Spell, and Working of true Magick Art, that I may invoke Him with success whenever seemeth good unto Him. Unto Him; not unto Me! Is it not written that Except Ado…
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…n the mind. The difference is that I am aiming at a target, while they are preventing arrows from striking one. In my aspiration to know Adonai, I resemble their Yogis who concentrate on their “ personal Lord "; but at the same time it must be remembered that I am not going to be content with what would content them. In other words, I am going to de ne " the Knowledge and Conversation of my holy Guardian Angel " as equal to Neroda-Samapatti, the trance of Nibbana. I hope I shall be able to live up to this! Have been practising Asana, etc. I for…
1909 · PDF PAGE 53
…le and natural before one devotes the half-minute of Kam- bhakam (breath held-in), when one is rigid to a strong projectionofWill toward Adonai,ashas been mycustom. I hope to-day will be more hard definite magical Work, less discourse, less beatific state of mind—which is the very devil! the real Calypso, none the less temptress because her name happens to be Penelope. Ah Lord Adonai, my Lord! Grant unto me the Perfume and the Vision; let me attain the desirable harbour; for my little ship is tossed by divers tempests, even by Euroclydon, in the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 73
JOHN ST. JOHN 10.55. evil in truth, because only that is evil (in one sense) which does not lead to Adonai. (In another sense, all is evil which is not Adonai.) And of course I had the insane idea that this ritual would serve to stimulatemy devotion. For the information of the Z.A.M., I may explain that this ritual pertained to Saturn in Libra; and, though right enough in its own plane, is a dog— faced demon in this operation. Is it, though? I am so blind that I can no longer decide the simplest problems. Else, I see so well, and am so balanced…
1909 · PDF PAGE 111
… the conflict for a moment so that the duty of this Record done might leave him free for the fight. It may have been a snare—~may the Lord Adonai keep him in the Path. Adonai! Adonai! (P.S.—Add that the “ultra-violet” or “astral” light in the room was such that it seemed bright as daylight. He hath never seen the like, even in the ceremony which he performed in the Great Pyramid of Gizeh.) 11.14- Ο. Μ. then passed from vision unto vision of un— II.34. exampled splendour. The infinite abyss of space, a rayless orb of liquid and colourless brillianc…
1909 · PDF PAGE 74
… the Lord of Lords, exalted in power. [From Dr. Dee's MSS.—ED.] Will now try the Hanged Man again. Very Vigorous and good, my willing of Adonai. . . . I should like to explain the difficulty. It would be easy enough to form a magical Image of Adonai; and He would doubtless inform it. But it would only be an Image. This. may be the meaning of the command- ment “Thou shalt not make any graven image,” etc., just as “ Thou shalt not have any other Gods but me" implies single-minded devotion (Ekagrata) to Adonai. So any mental or magical Image must n…
1909 · PDF PAGE 102
…t have gone on for some time; his agony of failure was awful; {or he knew that he was failing; but though he cried a thousand times unto Adonai with the Voice of Death, he could not—he could not. Again and again he stood at the gate, and could not enter. And the Violet Flames of Ajna triumphed over him. Then Brenner said: “ Let us take a little rest!”—oh irony l—and he came down from his throne, staggering with fatigue. . . . If you can conceive of all his anger and despair! His pen, writing this, forms a letter badly, and through clenched teet…
1909 · PDF PAGE 110
…- THE EQUINOX The thought too, is wanderingall over the world. Since the last entry, very likely, the beast has not thought even once of Adonai. The Reading of the Ritual has done much service, though things are still far from calm. Yet the mighty flood of the Chittam is again rolling its tremendous tide toward the sea—the Sea of annihilation. Amen. Returning home, with his eyes fixed on the supreme glory of the Moon, in his heart and brain invoking Adonai, he hath now entered into his little chamber, and will prepare all things for the due perfo…
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
…te insuperable, of course) to this or any other conception. For as this experience transcends reason, it is fruitless to argue about it. Adonai, I invoke Thee! Simpler, then, to go back to the Egoistic diction, only remembering always that by “I” is meant John St. John, or O. M., or Adonai according to the context. Have read some of THE Books to induct myself again into the Work. Therefore will I kindle the holy Incense, and turn myself again to the One Thought.
1909 · PDF PAGE 91
…r, and never so near . . . But the hour approaches. Let me collect myself, and begin the new day in affirmation of my Unity with my Lord Adonai I The Eighth Day Thus the Eighth day, the Second Week, begins. I am in Asana. For some reason or other, Pranayarna is quite easy. Concentrating on Adonai, Iwas in Kam- bhakham for a whole minute without distress. It is true, by the way. I was—and am—in some danger of looking on this Record as a Book; i.e., of emphasising things for their literary effect, and diminishing the importance of others which le…
1909 · PDF PAGE 108
…the deplorable tone (as one’s Dean would say) of the last entry is not the cry of the famished beast, but that of the over-driven slave "Adonai, ply Thou thy scourge! Adonai, load Thou the chain l” What the devil is the matter with the time ? The hours flit just like butterflies—the moon, dead full, shines down the Boulevard. My moon—full moon of my desire! (Ha, ha, thou beast! are “ I and Me and Mine" not dead yet?) Yea, Lord Adonail but the full moon means much to John St. John ; he fears (ῥινῷ, O Lord of theWestern Pylon!) lest, if once that f…
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
…1.35. 6.55. 7.0- 7.16. 7.30. 7.50. 8.5. JOHN ST. JOHN And indeed, though I tried to continue the mantra with its high aspiration to know Adonai, I must have slept almost at once. The Third Day Now the day being gloriously broken, I awoke with some weariness, not feeling clean and happy, not burning with love unto my Lord Adonai, though ashamed indeed for that thrice or four times in the night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate—and my weak will bade it be at ease and take its rest—oh, wretched man! slave of th…