[108] 
 
 
 
 
 
TO PE OR NOT TO PE 
 
 
KING. 
O heavy burden ! 
 
POLONIUS. 
Hold on, I’m coming :  I’ll withdraw, my lord. 
[Enter Hamlet.] 
 
HAMLET. 
To pe or not to pe :  that is the question : 
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer 
The slings and arrows of outrageous stricture 
Or to take arms against a closed urethra 
And by abscission, end it ?  To fuck :  to come : 
No more ;  and, by a come to say we end 
The cockstand and the thousand natural lusts 
That flesh is heir to.  ’Tis a consummation 
Devoutly to be wished.  To fuck :  to come : 
To come, perchance to clap !  Ay, there’s the rub. 
For from that come of fuck what clap may catch 
When we have shuffled off this mortal stand 
Must give us pause.  There’s the chordee 
That makes calamity of so wet dreams ! 
For who would bear the jerks and drops of piss, 
The piss pot’s wrong, the bladder’s contumely, 
The pangs of prostate gland, the pe’s delay, 
The insolence of orchids, and the spurns 
That patient merit of the urethra takes 
When he himself might his quietus make 
With a greased catheter.  Who would sandal swill 
To fart and shit under a potent purge 
But that the dread of something after gleet.