A Heroin Heroine 73
Lou and I both felt absolutely washed out. She
lay upon my breast and held my hand. I felt my
strength come back to me when it was called on to
support her weakness. And our love grew up anew
out of that waste of windy darkness. I felt myself
completely purged of all passion ; and in that lustration
we were baptised anew and christened with the name
of Love.
But although nature had done her best to get rid of
the excess of the poison we had taken, there remained
a residual effect. We had arrived at the hotel very
weary, though as a matter of course we had insisted
on Feccles and Haidée coming upstairs for a final drink.
But we could hardly keep our eyes open; and as soon
as they were gone we made all possible haste to get
between the sheets of the twin beds.
I need hardly tell my married friends that on previous
nights the process of going to bed had been a very
elaborate ritual. But on this occasion it was a mere
attempt to break the record for speed. Within five
minutes from the departure of Feccles and Haidée
the lights were out.
I had imagined that I should drop off to sleep
instantly. In fact, it took me some time to realise that
I had not done so. I was in an anesthetic condition
which is hard to distinguish from dreaming. In fact,
if one started to lay down definitions and explained
the differences, the further one got the more obscure
would the controversy become.
But my eyes were certainly wide open; and I was
lying on my back, whereas I can never sleep except on
my right side, or else, strangely enough, in a sitting
position. And the thoughts began to make themselves
more conscious as [ lay.
You know how thoughts fade out imperceptibly as
one goes to sleep. Well, here they were, fading in.
I found myself practically deprived of volition on
the physical plane. It was as if it had become im-
possible for me to wish to move or to speak. I was