Diary of a Drug Fiend

328 The Diary of a Drug Fiend I discovered later that it was part of the system of the Abbey to pretend to be very severe about any infraction of the rules, and then to show by some pleasant remark that it wasn’t meant in anger. The object was to fix in one’s mind that the offence was really grave, so that the pretended scolding had all the effect of the genuine article. Not knowing this, I was surprised when she continued : “ That’s all right, Cockie, we know you’re a new chum.” But her finger pointed sternly to column two. It was headed, “ Reason for taking the dose.” Well, Dionysus had shown me the way out of that, so I turned impudently around and said :— “Enough of Because, be he damned for a dog!” The effect was electric. We both broke into a duet of low musical laughter that seemed to me in exquisite harmony with the beauty of the April morning. “ The devil can quote scripture,” she retorted, “ that business about Because refers to something entirely different. The point about this (she was very serious now) is that we want you to know what is going on in your own mind. We all do so many stupid things, for bad reason or no reason at all. ‘Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do’ applies to nine- tenths of our actions. We get so much work done in this Abbey because we have learnt to watch our minds and prevent ourselves wasting a moment on what is worthless, or cancelling out one course of action by another, and so getting nowhere. In the case of this experiment of yours, in learning to master a drug so powerful that hardly one man in ten thousand stands a dog’s chance of coming out, it’s especially important because, as I’m afraid you will find out, I mean, as I hope you will find out very soon, your brain has developed certain morbid tendencies. You are liable to think crooked. Big Lion has told me already how you got to the stage where you took one dose to sleep and another to wake up again, and where you would