300 The Diary of a Drug Fiend
The pulse of my brain was beating feebly and slowly;
but she went on with pitiless passion, and swept me
away with the tempestuous rush of her contempt.
“‘T made an excuse, and came to see what was going
on. I found you had utterly forgotten the facts. You
were sniffing cocaine, not as an experiment, not because
of any physical need, but as a vice pure and simple.
You were already insane with it. I might have stood
that, for I loved you. But that you should plan to
become the partner of that murderous villain with his
hypocritical piety, that was another matter. That
was a matter of honour. I don’t know how long I stood
there. I lived a lifetime in a second, and I made up
my mind once for all to be done with such dirt. I
slipped out and came here. I’m half insane myself at
this moment with craving for H.; but I won’t take it
till I’ve seen this thing through. The pain of my body
helps me to bear up against the mortal anguish of
my soul. Oh, I know it’s heroics and hysterics—you
can call me what you like—what you say. doesn’t count
any more. But I want to live; and I have asked Basil
to take me away as once he promised to do long before
I met you. _He has promised to cure me, and I hold him
to that. He has promised to take me away, and I hold
him to that. You can get a divorce. You'd better.
For I never want to look upon your face again.”
The other three people in the room did not exist for
me. I had to brace myself to meet Lou’s attack. There
was absolute silence except for the sound of my sniffing.
I became my own master again, and broke out into a
fit of yelling laughter.
“So that’s the game, is it?’”’ I answered at last.
“You are selling me out to buy a third share in that
cad |”
I stopped to try to think of some viler insults;
but my brain refused to work. It merely prompted me
to abuse of the type usually associated with bargees.
I spluttered out a torrent of foul language; but I felt
even at the time that I was not doing myself justice.