Cold Turkey 225
of animal life, and when one has got to the stage where
one becomes wholly spiritual, the body becomes cold
like a corpse....
A dreadful thing has happened. We have used up
all the heroin, and there is hardly any cocaine. I
remembered what I had sewn away in my white frock,
and went to get it. It was on the floor in a corner of
the drawing-room.
It was all shrunk and rumpled and dirty, and it was
still quite wet. I suppose I must have gone a long
walk in the rain, though I don’t remember anything
about it.
All the heroin was washed away. There wasn’t a
grain left. Peter came in and found me crying. He
understood at once what had happened. All he said
was :—
“ You'll have to go back to McCall.”
I couldn’t even be angry. Men are too grossly animal
to understand. How could I do such a thing, seeing
who I was?
He wanted some H. badly; finding it gone, made
him want it insanely.
He took one of the packets and began to chew it.
“Thank God,” he said, ‘it’s quite bitter. There
must be a lot in the dress.” |
I was shivering and faint. I got another packet,
and put it in my mouth. He went wild and clutched
me by the hair, and forced open my jaws with his
finger and thumb. I struggled and kicked and scratched ;
but he was too strong. He got it out and put it in his
own mouth. Then he hit me in the face as I sat. I
went flat and limp, and began to howl. He picked up
the dress and the packets, and started to go. I caught
at his ankles desperately ; but he kicked himself free,
and went out of the room with the dress.
_ I was too weak and hurt to go after him, and my
nose was bleeding.
But I had got some H., and I remembered who I was.
This was all part of the ordeal. At any moment I