Diary of a Drug Fiend

178 The Diary of a Drug Fiend Satirical, sneering stupidity—or is he a devil in- carnate, as Gretel told us he was? Does he gloat? I loathe the beast—and I thought—once—well, never mind! Peter took the letter. Anything, anything to distract the mind from its boredom! Yet we haven't the energy to do anything: we take whatever comes to us, and clutch at it feebly. “ It’s true,’’ said Cockie, to my amazement, “ and we've got to be able to ¢ell him we've won.”’ There was a long quarrel—as there is over every incident of any sort. That is natural, with this eternal insomnia and sleeping at the wrong time. I hated Peter (and K.L.) the more because I knew all the time he was right. If K.L. is a Devil, it’s up to us to get the last laugh. I tore the beastly letter into shreds. Peter has gone out—I hope he has gone to kill him. I want to be thrilled—just once more— if I had to be hanged for it myself. Our watches have run down. It doesn’t matter. I can call on Mabel any time I like. I may as well go now. I’ll drink a small bottle and go along.... It is night. Cockie has not returned. Just when I needed him most! I’m frightened of myself. I’m stark staring sober. I went to the glass to take my hat off. I didn’t know who I was. There is no flesh on my face. My complexion’s entirely gone. My hair is lustreless and dry, and it’s coming out in handfuls. I think I must be ill. I’ve a good mind to send for a doctor. But I daren’t. It has been a frightful shock! ... I must pull myself together and write it up. —_—- It was about five o’clock when I got to Mount Street. If Mabel wasn’t in, I could wait. A strange man answered the door. It annoyed me. I felt frightened. Why had she changed Cartwright ? I felt faint. Had something told me? It embarrassed me to ask ‘‘ Is Mrs. Black at home ? ” The man answered as if he had been asked the time. “ Mrs. Black is dead.”