CHAPTER II
INDIAN SUMMER
WE went out gritting our teeth with mingled rage
and dejection. We walked on aimlessly in silence.
A taxi offered itself. We climbed into it listlessly and
drove back here. We threw ourselves on our beds.
The idea of lunch was disgusting. We were too weak
and too annoyed to do anything. We could not trust
ourselves to speak; we should have quarrelled. I
fell into a state of sleepless agony. Our visit to the
studio had burnt itself into my mind. I imagined the
flesh of my soul sizzling beneath the white hot branding
iron of Lamus’s Will.
I reached out my hands for this diary.. It has
relieved me to write it down in all this detail.
I found myself on fire with passionate determination
to fight H. and C. to a finish ; and my hands were tied
behind my back, my feet were fettered by a chain and
ball. I wouldn’t be made to stop by that beast. We'd
get it despite him. We wouldn't be treated like children ;
we'd get as much as we wanted and we'd take it all
the time, if it killed us.
The conflict in myself raged all the afternoon.
Cockie had gone to sleep. He snored and groaned.
He was like one’s idea of a convict. He hadn’t shaved
for two days. My own nails were black. I felt sticky
and clammy all over. I hadn't dressed myself. I had
thrown my clothes on carelessly.
Cockie woke about dinner-time. We couldn’t go
down as we were. We were suddenly stung by the
realisation that we were making ourselves conspicuous
in the hotel. We had a horrible fear of being found
out. They might do something. It was all the worse
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