146 The Diary of a Drug Fiend
charming, light, familiar way; but every smile was
an insult, every caress was a stab. ,
We got back to the Savoy, utterly worn out and
wretched. We kept on taking H. and C. all night;
we couldn’t sleep, we talked about the drugs. It was
just a long argument about how to take them. We
felt we were somehow doing it wrong.
I had been so proud of his medical knowledge, and
yet it didn’t seem to throw any light.
It seems that in the medical books, they speak of
what they call “ Drug virginity.” The thing was to
get it back; and according to the books the only
way to do it is to take nothing for a long time.
He said it was really just the same as any other
appetite. If you have a big lunch you can't expect
to be hungry at tea-time.
But then, what is one to do in the meanwhile?
August 18
We lay in bed very late. I didn’t seem to miss my
sleep; but I was too weak to get out of bed.
We had to buck ourselves up in the usual way, and
manage to get downstairs for lunch.
London is quite empty and terribly dull. We met
Mabel Black by accident walking in. Bond Street.
She is looking frightfully ill. I can see she dopes too
hard. Of course, the trouble with her is she hasn’t
got a man. She has a lot of men round her. She
could marry any day she liked.
We talked about it a bit. She hasn’t got the energy,
she said, and the idea of men disgusts her.
She wears the most wonderful boots. She has a new
pair almost every day, and hardly ever puts the same
pair on twice. I think she’s a little bit crazy. ...
London. seems different somehow. I used to be
interested in every funny little detail. I want to get.
back to myself. Drugs help me to get almost there;
but there is always one little corner to turn and they
never take one round.