8
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1. He has never been able to pronounce "R" properly --- like a Chinese!  
One day he said something to his mother which elicited from her the curious anatomical assertion: 
"Ladies have no legs." Shortly afterwards, when the Misses Cowper were at dinner with the family, 
he disappeared from his chair. There must have been some slight commotion on deck, leading to 
the question of his whereabouts. But at that moment a still small voice came from beneath the 
table: "Mamma! Mamma! Sister Susan and Sister Emma are not ladies!" 
This deduction was perfectly genuine: but in the following incident the cynical may perhaps trace 
the root of a certain sardonic humour. The child was wont to indicate his views, when silence 
seemed discretion, by facial gestures. Several people were rash enough to tell him not to make 
grimaces, as he "might be struck like that". He would reply, with an air of enlightenment after long 
mediation: "So that accounts for it." 
All children born into a family whose social and economic conditions are settled are bound to take 
them for granted as universal. It is only when they meet with incompatible facts that they begin to 
wonder whether they are suited to their original environment. In this particular case the most 
trifling incidents of life were necessarily interpreted as part of a prearranged plan, like the 
beginning of Candide. 
The underlying theory of life which was assumed in the household showed itself constantly in 
practice. It is strange that less than fifty years later, this theory should seem such fantastic folly as 
to require a detailed account. 
The universe was created by God 4004 B.C. The Bible, authorized version, was literally true, having 
been dictated by the Holy Ghost himself to scribes incapable of even clerical errors. King James' 
translators enjoyed an equal immunity. It was considered unusual --- and therefore in doubtful taste 
--- to appeal to the original texts. All other versions were regarded as inferior; the Revised Version 
in particular savoured of heresy. John Nelson Darby, the founder of the Plymouth Brethren, being a 
very famous biblical scholar, had been invited to sit on the committee and had refused on the 
ground that some of the other scholars were atheists. 
The second coming of the Lord Jesus was confidently expected to occur at any moment1. So 
imminent was it that preparations for a distant future --- such as signing a lease or insuring one's life 
--- might he held to imply lack of confidence of the promise, "Behold I come quickly." 
A pathetically tragic incident --- some years later --- illustrates the reality of this absurdity. To 
modern educated people it must seem unthinkable that 
{38}  
1. Much was made of the two appearances of "Jesus" after the Ascension. In the first, to 
Stephen, he was standing, in the second, to Paul, seated, at the right hand of god. Ergo, on 
the first occasion he was still ready to return at once; on the second, he had made up his 
mind to let things take their course to the bitter end, as per the Apocalypse. No one saw 
anything funny, or blasphemous, or even futile, in this doctrine!  
so fantastic a superstition could be such a hellish obsession in such recent times and such familiar 
places. 
One fine summer morning, at Redhill, the boy --- now eight or nine --- got tired of playing by 
himself in the garden. He came back to the house. It was strangely still and he got frightened. By 
some odd chance everybody was either out or upstairs. But he jumped to the conclusion that "the 
Lord had come", and that he had been left behind". It was an understood thing that there was no 
hope for people in this position. Apart from the Second Advent, it was always possible to be saved