was the prey of this fear ineffable. Of this fear it was 
evident that there must be a physical basis in the consti-
tution of his brain and body. All the other phenomena 
had been shown to correspond exactly with a physical 
condition; it was the reflection in a consciousness from 
which human limitation had fallen away of things actu-
ally taking place in the body.  
It was a false interpretation perhaps; but it was his 
interpretation; and it was that which caused suffering so 
beyond all that poets have ever dreamt of the infernal.  
I am ashamed to say that my first thought was of 
the Catholic Church and its masses for the repose of the 
dead. I went to the Cathedral, revolving as I went all 
that had ever been said—the superstitions of a hundred 
savage tribes. At bottom I could find no difference be-
tween their barbarous rites and those of Christianity.  
However that might be, I was baffled. The priests 
refused to pray for the soul of a heretic.  
I hurried back to the house, resumed my vigil. There 
was no change, except a deepening of the fear, an in-
tensification of the loneliness, a more utter absorption in 
the shame. I could but hope that in the ultimate stagna-
tion of all vital forces, death would become final, hell 
merged into annihilation.  
This started a train of thought which ended in a de-
termination to hasten the process. I thought of blowing 
out the brains, remembered that I had no means of do-
ing so. I thought of freezing the body, imagined a story 
for the nurse, reflected that no cold could excite in his 
soul aught icier than that illimitable void of black.  
I thought of telling the doctor that he had wished to 
bequeath his body to the surgeons, that he had been 
afraid of being buried alive, anything that might induce 
him to remove the brain. At that moment I looked into 
the mirror, I saw that I must not speak. My hair was 
white, my face drawn, my eyes wild and bloodshot.  
In utter helplessness and misery I flung myself on 
the couch in the study, and puffed greedily at cigarettes.