Collected Works (Vol. III)

48 WHY JESUS WEPT SIR GRABSON J, He is away to Windsor—the King (they beat their foreheads eighty-seven times upon the ground) knights him to-day. Sir HERPEs Z. I knew he had the O.M. and the F.Z.S.; but this knighthood? StR GRABSON J. He has taken up political economy. He will marry a duchess, Greumoch, too, is doing well. After the—ah—event we all deplored so, he entered the Benedictines at Fort Augustus; and to-morrow they instal him as Lord Abbot. Sir HERPES Z, What? And he a Highlander? S1R GRABSON J. It seems that was a mere disguise; his true name was Jchann Schmidt.! Sir HERPES Z. So? Why the deception? S1R GRABSON J. A Jesuit, no doubt! But about Lady Percivale now? SiR HERPES Z, Better and better. Old Farmer Tyson, luckily enough, as it turned out, insisted on examination, and no less than: twenty-three skilled surgeons—all men of note !—declared her to be wzrxvo0 tntacta. SiR GRABSON J. Eh? What? SIR HERPES Z, You see, Englishmen—ah ! SIR GRARSON J. Er—ah? 1 The Abbot of the Fort-Augustus Abbey was at this time a German, Sirk HERPES Z, Ah! SIR GRABSON J. Er—ah! As Whistler said, ‘‘ You put out your arm, and you hit three’! —eh? Sir HERPES Z. At least the anatomical detail Here is a ph— Probably. is certain. SIR GRABSON J. Tush, tush, old friend, I can take your word for it, Sir HERPES Z. You have some good news to announce, I think, as well as I. SIR GRABSON J. Sad for the general commonwealth, but of particular joy in this house. The Marquis of Glenstrae had the misfortune yesterday to fall against a circular saw in motion. Sirk HERPES Z, Dear, dear ! and how was that ? StR GRARSON J. His lordship was very fond of children, as you may know. It seems he was pursuing 1 Certain of our little-instructed surgical readers have expressed themselves dissatisfied with the explanation given by Sir G. Jobbs. They argue that it requires to be amplified, since the Marquis of Glenstrae must have had normal habits, otherwise so pure a poet as Crowley would never have introduced him. This is true; but Sir R. Burton has pointed out that the outcry against Greek Art comes chiefly from those who are personally incapable of it. Englishmen and Virgins are then like Alpine guides and mountains; some can’t go, and the rest lose the way. Hence Mr, Kensit. Further Note.—The silly cavillers now ob- serve that this is no solution of the difficulty, Sir P, Percivale being English. ‘This is absurd: (1) Lady Percivale is just as likely to have remained virgo tntacta as any other mother. (2) ‘The English law, cognisant of the dilemma set forth above, permits the use of a poker in the relations of man and wife. (3) If God’s Grace can break a habit, it can surely rupture a hymen.—AUTHOR.