THE EQUINOX
know little or nothing of Ceremonial Magick, except from reading; my results
have not been accompanied by visions. What results I have obtained have been
in the nature of becoming the thing itself, not seeing it. However, to pass on:
Is the idea of coming back to help others (see Sun. Apr. 16) only a form of the
Dweller on the Threshold and caused through fear of annihilation or madness?
Or is it a concession to my own weakness, a pandering to my ‘self’ because I am
really nowhere near ready to hurl myself into the Gulf, instead of which I come
back to normal consciousness, and try and make myself believe I have ‘given up’
what I ‘could not get’ for the sake of ‘others’ which do not exist at the time
(for me)? This is certainly a difficult one to tackle, I am entering it so as to
try and formulate the proposition clearly. Now, the doubt enters my mind, that
I have only put it down in order to appear honest to Fra. P.A., or anyone who
may read this record. NO... . The foregoing thought seems to have a parallel
in J. St. J. Again on Page 96 “I must attain or . . . an end to J. St. J.” seems
similar to the state arrived at on Sept. 5, 1910, when I determined to ask the
last WHY? and afterwards entered into Peace. On page 133 he says “subtly,
simply, imperceptibly gliding I passed away into nothing. . . . I felt the interior
trembling kindle itself into a kiss . . . also I was given to enjoy the subtle
Presence of my Lord interiorly during the whole of the twelfth day. But he
withdrew Himself . . . yet leaving a comfort not to be told, a Peace... The
Peace.” Yes, with me also the Peace has remained, but sometimes I cannot
connect myself with It, or fail to do so, being led away by Maya. Then comes
the entry of the Thirteenth Day. “Being entered into the Silence let me abide in
the Silence. Amen.” And here I am puzzled. Either J. St. J. attained perma-
nently to a State such that he was never again annoyed by the silly mistake of iden-
tifying Himself with the body, or he did not.1 But after all, what has that to
do with V.I.0.? It has certainly nothing to do with C. But how do I stand?
This seems to be the position. While in normal consciousness I know that I (or
Not I) am ever in the state of which I sometimes catch the reflection when I
realize that I am not I. There, that is the clearest original thought I have ex-
pressed this afternoon, and bad at that. Of course, I am really quite content,
it is only when I begin to think and reason about things that I begin to become
discontented. It’s about time I shut up.
And on April 30th the three months prescribed by his
Neophyte came toanend. He writes: “TI feel they have been
well spent, and that I have gained a more certain control of
1He had finished his immediate work, and went back into the world, as per
liber VILLII, 51-53, bestowing on himself this Benediction as he did so. O.M.
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