The Equinox (Volume III, Number I)

THE EQUINOX Sat., April 8th. During the last three days have gradually been nearing another ‘climax’ which reached, shall I say, its height on Saturday, when I arrived at a state of Illumination which was, as it were ‘added to my previous state.’ I seized a scrap of paper and wrote “Amid all the complications and perplexity there remains, back of all, the Will. The Will to Be. The Will to Be Nothing, which is the only state inconceivable to the mind. The old God willed to be some- thing, and the Universe appeared, The New God wills to be Nothing and be- reflection of which was caught by the body. So joyful it became that it whirled round in a mad dance, and was filled with music. It was stifled by the confines of the room; but “I” was Free, so it couldn’t matter much. (This is the second experience of rhythm filling the body, and causing it to whirl and dance in order to find expression somehow.) April 9th. Started to read about 8.30 this morning. Sometime during morning lost idea of “ego” to realize All as Self. (Left notes for a couple of hours) I find terrible difficulty in expressing the slightest idea of that which occurred during this state, yet it would seem of importance to do the best I can. That there is no soul struck me as a horrible blank. That J do not, and never have existed as “I” comes as a wonderful realization while the consciousness of the unreality of the “T” lasts. With the loss of “the ego” comes the consciousness that the whole universe of things and people is but a part of the State then arrived at. That if this little body dies, existence still remains in all the other part of the Universe and therefore the change called Death, occurring in different atoms, all the time, makes no difference. Is there any reason why one should not look upon every- thing and everybody as parts of Oneself, since one is equally willing to allow any other body to consider you as a part of their imagination only? It would seem that one tiny part—self—has been fondly cherished, while in reality that tiny part is but a reflex of the Whole which is really You, but even this state must in the end give way before the Power of Nothing.” April 16th, 8.30 A.M. Finished reading the Life of Buddha, and then, lying down, composed myself for Meditation. Breathed regularly and deeply for a time, afterwards stopping all entries two or three times. (Shanmukhi Mudra.) Presently I passed into a state which was practically desireless. I could feel the Goal, but the wish to help others made it impossible to Become the State I contemplated. After this, I was surprised, on letting all breath out of the body, to feel a sudden lightness, as if I were about to float. This being unexpected, caused me to turn my thoughts to the body, after which, although I tried, I could not get back to the previous state. I estimate that I remained in the con- 146