The Equinox (Volume III, Number I)

A MASTER OF THE TEMPLE almost in advance, and the new Illumination is as it were added to the old, and there is fresh wonder and joy in both. March 15th. I feel as if I were a highly strung musical instrument. My Will runs over the strings, causing complete and harmonious vibrations in my being, which seems to give forth at times an unformulated and therefore most delightful melody. March 28th. How can I write it, how put into words the least idea of that which is unformed? Yet I will try while yet a vestige of the thought remains. I have conceived within my womb a child. Or is it that I have for the first time realized that I have a womb? Yet it is so, that “blank” within, into which I have projected my thoughts, and from which they have come forth again ‘living’ is for a greater purpose. Can I not form therein a child that shall be MYSELF made from the highest ideals, the essence of my pains, refined and purified, freed from dross by the living fire? This life of Service must be lived till I am ‘selfless’ in all that I knew as myself; but all the time will not my ‘child’ be growing within me, composed of finer materials? And by complete union there- with . . . I cannot formulate any more now. This entry indicates a recognition of the “formulation of the negative in the ego” which shall eventually destroy it. Is it not written in Liber LXV “As an acid eats into steel, and as a cancer utterly corrupts the body, so am I unto the spirit of Man. I shall not rest until I have destroyed it utterly”? Sunday April 2nd (Fra V.1.0.’s 25th Birthday) During practice I had a dis- tinct consciousness of the ‘centre of consciousness’ being not ‘within’ as usual, but above head. April 3rd. I alternate between a state of ‘enjoying any task or position because it is the first that comes to hand and therefore the simplest and best course of action’, and ‘a feeling of absolute mental torture caused by the necessity of ex- isting at all.’ The first appears to give the chance of continually ‘enlarging’ until one becomes That which I can ‘consciously be’ for a short period at a time, and the other seems to lead to annihilation. Probably the multiplication of one state by the other is the solution. (Crowley’s 0 x o°.) 145